Honestly, this shit is really bothering me. 2008, July 25

Every day this week I have had some of the following for breakfast, lunch or dinner: bagels, bagels, bagels, donuts, donuts, donuts, McDonalds, Wendy’s, McDonalds, cheese pastries. Oh, and a couple of slices of leftover pizza. This has been the extent of my nutritional (or lack thereof) intake this week. What’s worse is that this is so common now that it’s becoming my eating plan, basically. Oh, and all this is complemented by huge, insane, way too much even for me, amounts of coffee. Which means, I physically feel like shit. I mentally am not doing as well. And emotionally? Please. I realize that I am completely sabotaging myself, setting myself up for failure and disappointment, punishing myself over something, I guess, by making myself balloon (it’s not even about the food; i may love bagels and pastries but when i eat them every day it’s just an automatic thing without any pleasure)… I hate feeling so physically drained and down. Tired all the time. Barely able to stay awake at times. Skin breaking out or just being gross and looking so old. Hair yucky. Everything looking my worst, which of course, makes me berate myself even more.

I am trying to liek the dog. My first instinct, which I should never ever ever ignore, was not to get the dog. This is when I met her. But I had so convinced myself from her pic and description that I needed her. And so when it happened, I figured OK, meant to be.  But when I first saw her I instantly felt in my stomach, oh no, this isn’t the one. But how could I deny her a home when everyone was so excited to find her some stability after over a year of her not having a real home? So I made a decade+ and expoensive commitment to care for her. One of the hardest things is that she is not Harley, and Harley is absolutely the most brilliant dog I have ever met, and I am not just saying that ’cause he’s my dog. I felt an instant connection with him. When I look at Belle, there is none of that intelligence or understanding in her eyes and I do not know how to deal with that. I feel guilty. She is not a small dog and I want to play with her but the apt suddenly seems small for that. I have, probably b/c it’s how I have appeased myself over the years and how my mother raised me and showed me love, spent hundreds of dollars on training class (she just started) and food and treats and toys and medicine and rawhides and all that. But something is not allowing me to connect with the dog, which is really hard for me to admit. I feel awful about uit, here might be another mistake and failure. But my god, I cannot look at a dog as a mistake or failure. I can’t make her life worse just because I have issues. And really, the worst thing is that she has the smelliest breath ever. To use a phrase my coworker used about her own dog, Belle’s breath smells like a dead fish’s ass. And she pants all the time, which means her breath is apparent all the time and actually makes her smell because she is surrounding herself with this odor, which even comes out of her nostrils. I brush her teeth and all that, but it’s not a teeth issue. Could be just how she is. And I find it very difficult to cuddle with a dog who smells that bad. Yes, I know I am a horrible person. And as bad as her breath is, she doesn’t give puppy kisses, which bothers me. Harley and I practically make out when I see him. Belle puts her head under my hand because she wants attention and petting all the time. She reminds me too much, in looks a bit and with that head/hand thing, of my family’s dog in ny which is the stupidest dog in the world (bless her heart, it’s not her fault). Part of me wants to find the dog a new home but I am ashamed of that. Am I giving up? What gives me the right to mess her up even more? And damn, I am a horrible person for thinking these things.

I have also realized that I no longer like walking the dog. I step out into a horrible humidity every morning at 6:30 am and I do not stop sweating, even after showering, until I get in my car and blast the a/c. And at night I freak out that I am going to get mugged or abducted or something b/c it’s pretty dark out there. I thought of getting a taser but even that doesn’t seem like the right solution.

UGH…meeting and then another meeting. To Be Continued…

I think maybe this kinda explains… me… now… 2008, July 16

“This song is about waking up under a bush in your ex-girlfriend’s garden. This is a song about getting drunk and forgetting you don’t go out with her anymore. Forgetting she doesn’t love you anymore. This is about needing; this is about wanting too much, wanting to be close to someone too much. Wanting to know where they are all the time, and when they’re going out you’re like, Where you going? Or, what time will you be back? Or, I’ll come with you. And it’s about trying to do the right thing. Trying to withdraw so that you don’t love so much. Trying to go, okay. And in doing so something inside you just dies and you turn off. . .” - GH

So anyway… 2008, July 16

Got dog. Am having attachment issues with her (my issues, not hers). Her name in Belle. Though I think I have decided her full name is Bellisima Sofia Calas Miyares. I keep thinking she won’t like me, she’ll be taken away from me, she won’t love me, she might be better off with someone else, don’t get too close, etc. Gee, I wonder why I feel that way?!!!!!! UGH.

So, am not doing well. I think yesterday I had a bagel and then a chocolate bar for dinner. Worst of all, I didn’t really care. Not. Well. At. All.

And financially? Well, it’s actually impossible to pay off all my debt. So I’m not going to. Just one card will get paid off b/c they have been decent and not assholes. Between unexpected expenses, rent, electric bills (damn why is it so hot?!!), and gas money, I don’t have the wherewithal to pay everyone. I pay my therapist. I send money to Mom b/c she helped me out and I owe her (no matter what she might say). Those are more important. I know the economy has been shit before, but never when I have been an adult who has to take care of her own shit. It sucks.

Did I mention Not Well? I gotta do something about that. I know I do. I just need to figure out how.

heart tugged, fingers crossed 2008, July 7

i am desperately hoping that my landlord says yes. they’ve been ok with considering tenants with pets before, and i’ve been a great tenant and they all like me, etc. so, fingers crossed…

because there is a beautiful, sweet dog that desperately needs a home. she was abandoned and then rescued and has been to the doctor now, but she is still very thin and needs love. she is totally ok with someone who works all day (she is currently in a foster home, someone who works in my company). she is pure sweetness, i can tell just from a picture. i was drawn to that picture immediately, something in me just wanted to take care of her and be her mom.

someone sent around another pic of another dog later, another one who needs a home. and while i love dogs, this one didn’t tug at my heart strings like the other one.

when i met Harley i knew he was my dog. i saw other dogs at the same place but as soon as i held him, it was, ok, this is my dog and he is coming home with me.

i want this beautiful dog. she needs me. and i think i need her.

i just need an okay. then she’ll be okay.

Converation from yesterday afternoon 2008, July 3

New Co-Worker (N): What did I hear about coffee?
Me: I got the notice that the good coffee was on. Let’s go get some.
Me (pointing to empty Starbucks cup): I went to Starbucks at lunchtime and they offered me an extra shot for free. So I just had 3 shots of espresso.
N: Three shots? And now you’re having more coffee?
Me: Of course.
N: No wonder you’re not sleeping well.