I can’t even remember the last time I was in such a shitty mood. I mean, not a woe-is-me sad mood (duh, that’s always there since i know i falls short in everything i do). Today is more of a pissed off mood. Today is the first day that I have not liked my job even though nothing’s different except my stubborn, angry attitude.

Today the dog was acting up BIG TIME and so I took her out of her crate and she is now roaming the apt freely, doing whatever she wants. Can’t wait to see what surprises I’ll find. maybe she was picking up on how cranky I am. I had a shitty 5-min or so dream in between snooze alarm snooze that totally sucked, so that didn’t help. Dog pulled on her leash the whole time we were walking, her worse ever. Then when I was leaving I could hear her barking nonstop. I was across the street sitting in my car and the barking continued. Then I heard her stomp in her crate (she’s being crate trained and I was slowly letting her roam the house alone, not all day, though). Then more barking. I went back upstairs and even as I made noise coming in, she was still barking. She hadn’t touched the treats she eats when she first gets in the crate, either. So I was like, ok, you win, I’d hate that too, especially today, so go ahead. She probably started barking again 5 minutes after I drove away.

The neighbors had told me that she went crazy with the barking when I wasn’t home. I was like, oh no, not my dog, my dog doesn’t bark. Truly, I’ve only heard her bark at the pet store. So of course I was all apologetic and they were like, she’s okay, she’s just lonesome. They made it sound like it wasn’t a huge deal but if I was them it would be a huge deal to me. I’m not even supposed to have a pet and had to ask for permission to have Belle. And just as we were starting to connect a bit (still not there, but it’s not only that we’re not uber-compatible; i doubt i could connect with anything or anyone right now)… Now I don’t want to give her up b/c I know what abandonment, lack of stability, and lack of home feel like. And I don’t want to do that to another living creature. But I’m not sure this is going to work out. Which kills me. HUGE GUILT. Here’s me having to maybe let go of her and have her feel abandoned and unwanted (and again, I know what that feels like, and that pretty much made me suicidal). So now I worry about what to do.  I worry and feel like shit (add to the usual amounts of that I have generally been feeling these days).

Yesterday I cleaned up the house a bit and kept trying to “finish” the apartment. it has never taken me this long, and I hate that. It’s like I am too scared to settle. I put a lot of effort into the last one, so I’m like, this can all be taken away from me at any second, so how much do I really want to work at this. Can’t exactly feel at home, when instead of safety and security I feel anxiety. That stupid break-in bullshit is affecting me more now than it did then, and I am not coping very well. oh, I should mention that I totally blame myself for what happened and feel extremely stupid and at fault for everything.

Between gas, rent and unexpected expenses like every month or week or whatever so far, I can’t afford to pay any credit cards. I’m choosing electricity (which is super expensive here, more than Miami even). I’m choosing to fill the gas tank so I can drive to work. I’m choosing to pay rent. I’m choosing to pay the cable/phone/internet bundle. And this scares me. A lot. I am having those feelings again of wanting to run away. (not surprisingly, I am at about the 6-month mark of living in St Pete).

Having to move twice in 4 months, having my stuff get stolen, losing so many important and more than anything, sentimental things with the loss of both my external hard drives, the stress of having been unemployed for so long, the massive weight gain, now the probs with the dog and moreso the guilt… I’m just going thru the motions here. Gliding, but not in a good way. In a removed, just keep going, with blinders if you have to in order to get through the day, without being able to organize and plan and get my shit together.

i’m tired of feeling tired. i’m tired of loss and fear. i’m tired of loneliness. i’m tired of missing things and people. i’m tired of hoping so many things were different. i’m tired of feeling beat down. i’m tired of failing at so many things. and i’m not just tired today. today i’m also really, really PISSED OFF about it all.

i’m tired. and in a very bad mood. and really, really pissed off.

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oh, and my uncle has to have surgery. and he has postponed it. because it’s the same kind of operation that killed my grandmother. my grandmother was killed by the hospital b/c they had her on the table too long, under too much anesthesia. that’s not gonna happen with my uncle, i know. but the instant emotional reaction to this particular surgery was strong. if it was any other kind of operation, i think we’d all feel a bit better.

have spent the last half hour (at least) or so at work looking at how feasible it would be to go to Denmark at the end of the month for George Michael’s final show. seriously. found a flight, ticket, was about to research hotels next. insane. seriously, insane. impulsive. risk. not thinking. dangerous. but… but…

if i had more money…

if i had less expenses now that i have rent and such…

most of all, if i had more notice than hey the presale is today and the show is at the end of the month… (make it like october or november and nothing would keep me away)

with more notice i know i would figure out a way that isn’t all jumbled and nerve-wracking. (it’s not like it’s dublin where i can just book stuff and know exactly where i am going and what prices are and such.) but i guess this is for the best since basically i would be spending any current and future paycheck monies on this trip. funny thing is, if it was like in madrid or something, i wouldn’t care. i just have never been to denmark and i would actually like to visit copenhagen at some point. (and likely stockholm , which is in the scandinavian country that is in the middle.)

i had already decided that if i did book this trip (oh, what’s $1200 in air fare? so what if the dollar is, how you say, worthless?)… anyway, if i would be going, i would not eat more than 1 meal and 1 snack a day for the rest of the month. i should do that anyway. i can tell myself it is in acknowledgement of george’s final concert, even though i won’t be there. b/c likely if i make up a reason that has nothing to do with me personally, just maybe i can trick myself.

so, this saturday it is… hasn’t sunk in yet. likely will not until the lights dim and “Waiting” starts and then he will be on stage. and then i will be mesmerized and experience every emotion. and in my head i will be thanking him for everything - i always say he saved my life once upon a time. and then i will stare at the stage after he leaves. and cry (it’s ok).  . . . i think maybe now it’s starting to sink in a little…

I know I’ve been ignoring that this is coming. I don’t know why. Maybe I don’t want to set it up too much because when I go that high, then of course inevitably i go that low. Also, this is it. This is the last time I will see him. And he looks great. And he sounds great. But I know that just like I did in Dublin, when the show is over, I will cry. For so many reasons. Not sad, really, just emotions.

I have adored this man forever. And it is for us, for the fans that never stopped, that he has done this. There is something I have always wanted to tell him, if I ever got the chance to meet him: “You saved my life.” He really was that important.

Here are his interviews from Good Morning America. And, in true GM fashion, they are honest and intelligent. At the end of the day 2 one he talks about how he has had a role in people’s lives, how the music has meant something, and that’s what matters - and that is exactly how he saved my life.

Saturday. And the hardest part will be to go home and not pack a bag and drive immediately to Miami so I can see him the next night, the final night, in Ft. Lauderdale. I have no idea why I did not plan that, but I didn’t. It is extremely expensive, but that has never stopped me before (I mean, I flew to Dublin for a weekend just to see him). Maybe b/c it’s the last show of the tour. Which means it is extra-special. And I should be there. But again for several reasons… I’m not sure I could. I don’t want to experience that ending.