a snapshot of sorts of why sometimes i do what i do…

(not my vids, but i was there)

From the Austin show:

And omg i LOVE this song (got a whole new appreciation for it hearing it live vs. on the cd):

I believe in pink. I believe that laughter is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, and kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day. And I believe in miracles. (Audrey Hepburn)

Soulmates are people who bring out the best in you. They are not perfect, but they are perfect for you.

To accomplish great things we must not only act but also dream, not only plan but also believe.

love: actually, i can: move to Austin

Just wanted you to know you’re being thought of and wished every happiness.

At least it started later than usual – post Thanksgiving, sorta. But the holiday blues are here. It wouldn’t be the holidays without them.

It’s jealousy and anger at self leading the charge this time.

Self flagellation:
Losing hundreds of dollars to the bank b/c of overdrafts. It’s my fault. But also, it’s the bank’s fault b/c of the way they calculate things. I should not have lost about $400. That is insane. So I beat myself up for it. And I hate feeling so helpless – there is no sense in trying to reason with this shitty bank. They suck. I suck for opening an account with them. And I suck for messing up with money once again. All the progress I’ve made in other areas – but not here – and it literally costs me a lot. And puts me behind – hard to play catchup. For the first time ever I mail my rent late on purpose and then hope it doesn’t clear until payday. I should not be living like this. I know better. Now how to get me to do better? How to catch up? Ugh. This is an area of my life that makes me physically ill. I was so sick over it for a day last month that I actually have myself shingles on part of my shoulder. Heat, releasing anger b/c it’s way too much inside? Who knows. Within a day or day and a half I felt better (huge accomplishment), but still I got physically ill over this. And starting january my paycheck will actually be LESS than it is now. Sigh.

Hey G, remember when you gained all that weight b/c you only ate sweets and bread? Let’s look at post-Thanksgiving eating: sweets and bread with 2 mcDonalds thrown in. You are awesome. Lose 25 lbs, start gaining them back. I feel/felt so much better when I eat correctly and have energy and feel good about myself. OD’ing on carbs makes me feel like shit. Physically and emotionally. And most of all mentally, b/c goddamn it, I know better. I even like vegetables, for fuck’s sake.

I no longer like the company I work for. I love many of my coworkers and I love what I actually do. I am terrified I won’t find fulfilling work I like anywhere else and will have to give up my official Writer status. But I look at my coworkers and the other day I started to go thru the list, so to speak, and think of the ones that I will definitely keep as friends once I am no longer at HSN. I cannot stay in FL forever. I can’t live among white trash. I can’t continue to insist that Melita introduce me as her friend from SF and never mention to people that I am her friend who has flown in from FL. When I say I am from FL or live in FL, I always add the comment: I hate FL. I’ve never wanted to be associated with this state. And yet, here I am.

I want to go back to Austin. I have mixed feelings in a way. And the job situation terrifies me. But I keep visiting and visiting more often and have such a wonderful time. When I find myself driving alone through the city, a smile comes across my face. When I think of having an apartment with real appliances that actually match and outlets that ALL work, I think damn, I really deserve that. I think of being there for ACL every year. I think of super hot summers balanced by mild winters. I think of having a support system. I think of having my Cantu family nearby and always having a place there. I think of being able to check in with Kim when I need support. I think of awesome coffee houses and restaurants and Central Market. Do I move? Is it the right thing? How will I support myself? All I know is that I cannot stay in St. Pete for the long run.

A couple of weeks ago when I was upset, Paul wrote me and said that it would blow over and that it would be ok and then he said “when you are in Austin where you belong.” And it felt so good to hear that. Like I felt it deeply. And it felt right. Several years ago Paul sent me a bday mssg that said May you get most of what you want and everything you need. And wow, did I feel that one immediately, too. That one was a punch to the gut. My body immediately knew what that meant, how things would play themselves out. That mssg knocked me over. The new message completely turned my day around from dark and miserable to lighter and hopeful.

I have never liked the holidays for a few reasons. But most of all, I have always felt left out. I always had visions in my head of how I wish my holidays would be and my reality never got close. Even when I would be in NY with my family, it still hurt to sit there and realize that I did not have that kind of immediate family as far as parents were concerned. It was great to see the kids open their gifts and be happy. I’m the oldest cousin, and I had lost any childlike wonder a long time ago. My mother has never even known what to give me for xmas. It’s always been either cash or the one perfume I wear and have been wearing since my teens. This year she asked if I was low on perfume. I am not, since I still have the bottle she gave me from my birthday. This has always bothered me. I have worked hard to accept that my mother will never be the kind of mother I wish I had. Not because she doesn’t love me, but because she is emotionally incapable of giving me what I need. it’s always been that way. I’ve always resented it and been angry and kept trying for years to just once, get what I needed from her. That’s never gonna happen. Still, around this time of year it sucks. I don’t have a family welcoming me at xmas. If I went to Miami I’d just sit there and watch tv and nothing would be special. I rather sit in my own apt and watch tv, make my own dinner, and share the holidays with my precious dog.

This is the time of year when I feel so alone. More alone than ever. I have been working not to feel this way. but come November and december it hits me like a ton of bricks. The usual no husband, no kids, no sibling, no mom making pies or whatever. This year it doesn’t even feel like that. I can deal with the specifics I just mentioned – I’m ok at the moment with no husband or kids and I have made my own siblings. Still, something in me has stayed empty and unhealed. I need to create my own family and be close to them in every way. How? No clue. My greatest wish has always been HOME. How do I make it happen?

I also get to experience jealousy. Oh that’s fun! Jealous of nice, decent people who I am happy for, whose stories I like to hear, whose pictures I love to see… It makes me jealous because I don’t have those stories or pictures. And I realized this time around it’s not jealousy of what’s going on in people’s lives so much as it is jealousy of everyone getting attention but me. Classic childhood issue. And teen issue. And adult issue. Another one of those things that seems to stay with me and pop up. I can be genuinely happy for other people now, which is really cool. But I want to be that happy, too. And more than that, I want to have those stories and happiness to talk about – I want to be seen. I want to exist. I want to be an important part of people’s lives. I don’t want to be forgotten. I don’t want to be the afterthought after everything else that comes first. I don’t want to feel invisible, which is how I feel as I type here right now.

This “vacation” is just me here not getting stuff done. I want to get rid of stuff. I have accumulated way too much and I hate it. But I start to work at it and then I just want to sit and eat and watch TV (oh look, my holiday traditions). i want to drive to the store and get bags of rolls I can dip in butter. I want cake! Food to fill the emptiness. Sugar rush to make things better for 5 seconds. Then the guilt and shame and feeling like shit…sometimes it seems worth it when I can’t see past my tastebuds watering at the thought of filling myself with food.

I have been really good at the positive thinking and segment intention and manifesting things and trusting that everything will be ok. It started to come natural. Part of my every day from the time I woke up. Loved the walks with Belle – great way to start the day. Now I feel lethargic and a little depressed. I hate that for me. And I hate that for her and the atmosphere I put her in :(

So either I will stay with the clutter or have a crazy moment and start throwing everything away or donating it to the goodwill. So either I will eat carbs and sugar or not. So either I will force myself to get up and shower or I will slump on the couch. And yet, for all the positive thinking I try to imbue in my life… the feeling alone is hard to get rid of. And most of all the jealousy at being invisible while others are shining…that’s hard to deal with.

Stomach growling. Hungry… And the choices start.