Today was a really good day. 2010, April 23

Once in a while
you get shown the light
in the strangest of places
if you look at it right

Not-So-Black Holes and Revelations 2010, April 19

Guess what I told my manager today at our one-on-one? I’m moving to Austin before the end of the year, goal is mid-September, definitely before ACL Fest. So, that’s officially out there. And no, it’s not a stupid thing to let her know now. For all my complaints or whatever, she really had my back last week when all this unnecessary shit happened because of a useless, damn insecure person. Worst thing about that is the stress it caused me and the incredible waste of time, work-wise and otherwise.

My house has never been dirtier. It is disgusting. It’s hard to keep clean because it is such an old place that I think it just has years of grime I’ll never get rid of. And the hard water. WTF? I’ve seen commercials for years talking about hard water stains and was like whatever, I don’t know what that is. But now I do, all too well. The water here is gross and actually can stain the tub and the sink and the toilet to the point that I hate my bathroom every time I go into it. I’ve cleaned and bleached the hell out of that motherfucker and it still sucks. But before the end of the year I will have a nice modern bathroom. I love the look of older places their character and design elements, but goddamn, I need to go modern for a while.

ACL tix on sale this week. Is it today? Tomorrow? I dunno. Money issues were OK for a while and now they’ve crept up and are issues again. Ugh. but I haven’t been to ACL in 5 years so it’s time to go and experience it again – even if it’s dusty and 108 degrees (or, yikes, muddy like last year with constant rain). You don’t move to the live music capital of the world and not go see live music.

My stress level continues to be insane. I can’t breathe properly. Everything has been go-go-go and I hate that so much of it has been work-related because I don’t get paid enough to deal with this. I’ve gone above and beyond because I can’t just turn in shit work and be OK with it personally. Still…goddamn I’m tired.

I want everything settled by my birthday – which should be my Austin restoration and rejuvenation trip. This Friday I am actually speaking at a conference, a real one, and I have nothing prepared – that’s what Thursday’s for. That’s how little time I seem to have these days.

Everything feels so cluttered. How is there suddenly no time for anything when I don’t even do much? I don’t go out, I don’t date, I don’t have kids, i spend every weekend at home… So it should be easier. But it’s not. And now I live in clutter, and that pisses me off and affects my mood. I guess bottom line is that I am overwhelmed. And I do not do well with Overwhelmed. I have to work extra hard in my head to keep it together when I am overwhelmed. This morning I thought, man, I should take 2 anti-anxiety pills a day and not one, but then I have a feeling I would fall asleep at my desk. However, it’s still an experiment I might try tomorrow.

Today I want to get as much work done as possible. I left early on Friday with a major headache so I was gonna do some work writing over the weekend and then I was like fuck no, I can’t. And Sunday morning I bolted out of bed at 7:30 am thinking, oh shit, I have to get to work. And then I realized no I don’t, but I was up by that time, so I stayed up until my eyes kept closing and I had to take a nap. I haven’t HAD TO take a nap in a long time. It makes me feel old and it’s wasted hours but I was so tired. So very, very tired. Hmm…I wonder if I’m anemic again.

I’m even getting tired writing this. It’s just for me, for my thoughts, not formatted for an audience or anything, so my head has had enough. I need things to settle down. And dear universe, please don’t interpret that with some sense of humor that ends up fucking me over, please and thank you.

I’m gonna have to make the day a bit worse with copious amounts of caffeine. I’m gonna feed the hell out of that addiction today. Because this morning, there really is no way around that.

Off to finish my coffee before I go get a diet coke before we make afternoon coffee…

Help.

Whitesnake? Really? 2010, April 6

Well, it’s the song that popped into my head. I have a constant never-ending soundtrack that plays songs all day in my head (I’m not the only one, I found out…but we seem to be in the minority).

Anyway, I woke up in a weird mood again and thought “here i go again.” In other words, what the fuck? I probably absorbed too much negativity and/or self pity, as I am wont to do. I pick up on what’s going on in a room, in a situation, with others and it permeates to be and I feel it. Usually great, awesome way to assess situation and act accordingly, such as go away and protect self if needed.

Shit, I don’t know what’s up. Super duper case of bad emotional PMS? I HATE blaming things on that. Like oh, i’m emotional today cause i’m a girl in her emotional time. Bull. Shit. (Weird: part of the old me is trying to be here b/c I almost want to just decide to be in a bad mood today. That’ll show them! Even though there’s no them to show. Oh well, at least I recognize such fucked up logic and can try to prevent it.)

Last night I got home and did 2 shots of vodka. I love vodka. And it was nice to let it warm my insides and calm me down a bit. I sat directly in front of the electric fan that told me it was over 90-degrees in my apt. I watched Gossip Girl (very upsetting episode as I adore Chuck Bass). Puttered around the Internet. Read some newspaper articles. And then totally crashed in some weird exhaustion. Over the covers, of course. Goddamn heat and I am not giving in yet with the a/c. Just too da,m expensive.

So here’s my “what’s playing” at the moment. (omg, it’s usually MUCH MUCH better than an 80s hair band). Some might refer to it as an ear worm. Me? It’s just one of those things.

I don’t know where I’m going
But I sure know where I’ve been
Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
And I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time
But, here I go again
Here I go again…

And here I go again on my own
Goin’ down the only road i’ve ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
And I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time

Oh shite. 2010, April 5

here we go again. wtf is going on lately?

i feel like shite. so i took 2 shots of vodka. that should help. seriously.

i’m like incredibly sensitive and stuff and there’s no reason for it. i’ll blame it on the goddamn heat.

fuck.

It’s funny… 2010, April 5

When I become one of the people who helps those in crisis. Jesse’s fiance broke up with him a week ago (last Sunday). Jesse lives in his head and worries all the time and dwells on time and goes over and over the relationship: what happened? who is she now? how can she do this? was it ever real? she just stopped loving me and doesn’t want me. i am broken. she just threw me away like trash… That’s where I step in and say, I know. But my job is not to pander to that. I acknowledge and validate his feelings and then promptly tell him to shut up. Because I won’t hear him put himself down. This is my coworker, not a friend I’ve known forever, but he’s a good person, too good a person (needs to man up; lifting up the guy who has become weak and wishy-washy is exhausting). I also tell him that is he keeps up the self-depreciation I will kick his ass. Sorry, it’s what he needs to hear. Everyone tells him he is better off, and he definitely is, but I tell him, the love was real, she loved you as much as she is capable of loving anyone, she doesn’t know who she is and is very insecure. I make sure I don’t bad mouth her – that helps no one. But I make it clear that he deserved better treatment. And that now it’s time to be SELF – ish and take care of himself, not her.

Hilarious, no? Hi, here, take advice from the person who solved her broken heart by leading a nun-like existence. My solution for myself: I don’t date. If I go to the doctor, when you fill out the form about what birth control you are using, I write down abstinence. I think of Hamlet and Ophelia when he tells her, get thee to a nunnery. As much as I tell people otherwise, I still find it hard that there would be anyone for me. I mean, Jess and I are the same age and he mentions that he has to date younger girls so he can have a baby. he didn’t say it maliciously and was surprised atm y vehement response. What happens to people my age? So we’re the same age and you dismiss the women in our generation because you can, because you can be 61 and still father a child. He said, well, do you wan’t a baby? I said, honestly, I used to, to the point that my heart broke everytime I saw babies. And then Stephen made that comment that people without kids get to go to shows and live a different life like that, and in an instant I felt better. I think it would be cool to have a guy who already had a kid, or something like that. Because, hello, I am old. And besides, I’m just learning to take care of myself and going on this journey of discovery of who I am…

Friday was one of the oddest evenings of my entire life. our manager tells J, go, leave now (at 4pm), take the stuff that means something to you out of the apartment and for god’s sake take the rings back. He didn’t want to go alone. Guess who packed things and lifted boxes? Yep, me. Ruined my damn French manicure that I had treated myself to the week before, something I don’t do. And I carried all these boxes in the heat and I’m thinking, Hello, a girl is here carrying your boxes! That’s how messed up he was/is. He always offers to carry things at work. But on Friday I’m putting boxes on my shoulder so the bottom won’t give out and have to be like, Um, can you get the door? I call myself (to self) secret covert agent. Was it the right thing to do? You bet. He needed to get out of there for his own mental health and she’s still messing with his mind. But there I was taking stuff out without the girl having a clue that he was moving out right them (they had discussed it, though). And I kept thinking, how am I in this role?

He also called Saturday, crying. And I’m the one telling him he is awesome and amazing and to believe in himself. Again, how is it me who’s doing that? And the irony, of course, that such nice words are easy for me to say to someone I love and believe in – but I can’t believe them for myself. Hypocrite.

I have not written in my gratitude journal since last Wednesday. Insanity. I thought of things to write but then I just went to sleep. This is not good. I am going back b/c I remember certain specifics of what I was grateful for that day. Still, how did I let it get so far?

I want to find another hypnotherapist for like 3 sessions. It’s a way to get thoughts into my head without my consciousness really getting in the way and protesting. I would like to not overeat as a coping mechanism. I would like to not have even the impulse to spend money, again as a coping mechanism. And I want to believe in myself as far as meeting to Austin – that I really CAN and WILL make it happen, especially when it comes to confidence that I will find a job, unlike any other year, there is no fall back, no money from my mom to help if I need it. Money freaks me out and I’m always terrified of ending up poor, dissatisfied, etc. And it’s such a possibility when there is no net to catch me. I got emotional nets, supportive nets, but not the financial net that helps keep my panic in check.

I know what I would like to do for my bday in Austin, but I can’t afford it solo and don’t want to ask people to spend the money. I just want to go to a restaurant I love and then go to someone’s house for wine and conversation. (I wouldl ove to go out drinking, but I seem to be the only one that still is into that.. Then again, it’s been forever since I’ve gotten to do that – to dress up and have a cocktail – or straight vodka – in a cool place.

It’s about time to leave for work. I had to do work at home on Saturday since I sacrificed what I had to finish so that I could end up carrying boxes for someone that I want to thank me more than he has. Although it’s pretty awesome to hear “I appreciate you,” and also “No one’s talked to me before, and I need that.” I get thank you’s, too. But as usual, I want a little more. A little more acknowledgment. Because this is part of me that I’ve been unable to “fix.” I still want to hear I did good. My friend Beth praised me for being such a good friend to J. I’m like, it’s weird b/c he’s my coworker, not a lifelong friend, and here I am involved somehow…. Strange. I do hate to see what he is going through, and when he uses the same exact words I did at one time, I can’t help but reach out to him. Yeah, he had a real relationship and an engagement, but whatever I had or didn’t have, I still know that pain. It feels like a punch in the gut. Although for him he said it was like a punch in the balls.

I want to stay home today. I want to finish my damn Power Point shit that was due April 1, for the conference on BPD. Interesting, since I am one of those who recovered and then got away from the “community.” I can’t keep myself in such an atmosphere because people are really fucked up. And if I got out of my fucked-up-ness I certainly don’t need to be around it. The 2 first point of recovery are: Responsibility and then Doing the Work. Without that, no meds or therapy will help. My biggest revelation was able to get to that point of Responsibility, to stop blaming everyone for whatever I went thru, especially my shitty childhood without nurturing and support. (surprise that I keep needing validation?!!) What happened happened, and what is is, so what am I gonna do about it.

Well, I did the work. I got myself to a much better and incredibly healthier place – a place I thought was unattainable for me, so i resisted it forever. It’s “easy” to resist what scares us most. (See “nunnery and abstinence” above!). I got 2 “checklist” “symptoms” left – overeating and overspending. I am trying. Turns out that the overspending is easier than the other one. Though I still fuck up. Like I bought myself a handmade necklace for my birthday, from Etsy, because damn it, it’s my birthday. That’s OK, it’s the impulse for buying, to need to go shopping and spend money b/c either I’ve had a really shitty day at work so I gotta go get stuff to make it better, or because I feel alone and that no one’s thinking of me, so I need to get myself a present to soothe me. The food issue has been around for about 31 years, though. And yes, here I will blame lots of other people, b/c now it is my responsibility, but at age 7 it was not.

Random writing again. Lots of thoughts percolating. Thinking of what I want, trying to figure it out. Wanting to make things happen, terrified that I won’t be able to. Wanting to lose weight b/c i simply will NOT feel good about myself, certainly not attractive or someone a guy would want, with these extra pounds. Frankly, I hate it. And I have to live with it everyday. Shit.

Now I have to look up who got kicked off the Amazing Race since I wasn’t home at 8 last night and I apparently don’t have that show set to record. Tonight Gossip Girl will record and it’s fun to watch on Tuesdays so I can FFwd through the commercials and there is less interruption in the Chuck Bass scenes (Chuck is the fave among girls – i’ve seen lots of polls).

OK, now I am so avoiding work. I’m supposed to be there in 6 minutes. I’ll be there in maybe 30. And I don’t give a shit. The other week I had a day where I actually looked at the clock all day wanting the day to be over. That’s the first time that had really happened at this job. Not good. Not cool.

I guess I better stop talking to myself now.

And go out into the goddamn weather in the 80s. Ugh. I really hate heat. Thankfully there is a “cold front” that will make it be only 78 later in the week. Seriously? I hate the weather reports. That is not a cold front. That is welcome to few degrees less so it’s only hot and not scorching heat.

What was it I said? Oh yeah…
I guess I better stop talking to myself now.