Too Confused for a Post Title 2010, January 30

Birth Miraculous, Life Mundane?

That’s what it feels like this morning. I have done an incredible job of not taking care of myself in the last couple of weeks. I mean, on an epic scale. So I physically feel like shit, everything from body aches to tummy aches to headaches horrible beyond words that only lessen with vicodin and even then for just a while. Carrying a lot of weight (literally and figuratively) and stress. Self doubt creeping in to add to the bloatedness, too. Rollercoaster…dip.

This is after rollercoaster…high. I smile every time I think of Anastasia Juliet and her mommy and am so grateful that I got to be some part of all of that. I got to hold that sweet newborn just a few hours after she was born and look at her and see a miracle personified.  The amazing blessing that is new life, pure innocence, and even as an Auntie I immediately want to take care of her, make sure she is ok, make sure she knows how many people love her, how we have been waiting to welcome her with open arms, how we are so happy she has joined us, and to keep her warm and safe. I want to apologize for the messes in the world we have created. Steph’s mom brought a newspaper for Anastasia’s birth date. I had thought of that and then I thought of the world and thought, no, news is so negative and I will not bring that anywhere near her. For the real news event of the day wasn’t the President’s speech or Haiti or the Middle East or the economy. The real news of the day is that she was born and for this time everything else fades away. We are lucky she lets us dwell in her world for a while – a world more as it should be than the adult mess out there.

As I sat at Steph’s bedside and watched her go through everything, saw my friend in pain and felt so helpless that I couldn’t fix it, I knew that that is exactly where I was meant to be at that moment. I didn’t care about me, my job was to be there for her, because I love her, because she needed me, and that’s that. The couple of times I did think of me was about Austin. I sat there and thought, how can I leave? Then I pushed that away because seriously, that had nothing to do with that moment. What will happen will happen. Each of us taking our own paths toward where we are supposed to be, or at least where we think we should be, and the truth will sort itself out because, well, you can’t fight against truth. (Believe me, I have tried – exhibit my entire life, esp. 2004-2006.)

I sit here as the breeze comes in (yay) but also feeling the humidity (yuck) of upcoming rain. Enjoyed the breeze while walking the dog. Now I sit here in a grey room and feel the humidity more than anything else. Snap out of it! Right now, I just can’t. I will, but between travel to Austin and the scavenger hunt, then being sick for the first time in a very long time, then losing track of time and the outside world during labor and birth… well, I am discombobulated. Completely out of sorts. One of those times when I know I need to just be with myself (even if it might make me feel a little sad) and try to put myself together again.

It feels like I was riding a shiny new bike on a pretty path and saw beautiful things along the way and then I had to stop to take care of something so I got off my bike and left it by a tree. And I’m trying first to find the bike and then I do but I wobble on it and get frustrated and can no longer feel the awesomeness of the bike ride before. It is grey and cloudy in so many ways and I’m not sure where I was going anymore, if the first bike ride was even real at all, and how I am supposed to ride it…and to where? To what?

Yesterday there were a couple of stupid work meetings, the kinds where they just review bullshit and you just have to sit there and listen. Like you get to hear how something your division did saves the company millions of dollars. While the company gives you a shittier insurance and one of my coworkers already has to figure out how to come up with $4K b/c her husband was in the hospital for 2 days. And that’s just one example of many of how hateful they are now. If it was shit from the beginning, fine, whatever. But to take stuff away from us b/c the economy sucks, so we all step it up and work our asses off, and the company does well, saves money, makes more money and…They don’t give back even a penny of what they took away AND they take away even more stuff. So they get to save more money by treating us like shit. I don’t want to hear that well, corporations are like this, etc. I did not start working at a corporation that was awful. People liked their jobs and now everyone is either unhappy or mush less happy than they used to be – as a direct result of the actions of management in the last year. Working here was better in 2008 than 2009 for no other reason, in the end, that the company decided for it to be that way. You can’t blame the economy if your business is doing well. So there I am at these meetings, all bullshit, and I realize, I don’t care. Not because I think, oh I’m gonna move to Austin and not be here so I don’t care. No – even that would be better. Because I desperately want to go to Austin but do not have any means to get there (since I totally forgot about moving costs, duh). I am not even close to moving unless something awesome suddenly happens. So I sit at work and do not care. And that’s a horrible feeling. And I don’t want to hear that, well, work sucks, no one likes it, etc. Because I know for a fact that I DID care. I cared about my work, my department, my company. I feel used and lied to and unappreciated and treated like a child who must do whatever the parents say – and I do not want to go to a job day in and day out and feel like that. Because that’s not the feeling I want to carry. And that’s not the person I am and definitely not the person I wish to be. My coworker S and I talk all the time about how work has beat us down and we don’t like who we are in the workplace, how different we are away from there. I don’t want to be so tainted by this. I’ve worked too damn hard to let bile into my life and affect me. Because obviously, it is affecting me!

I am confused and disgruntled today. And I don’t want to be. I really really really do not want to be. I am writing to get things out of me. I am thinking of how to spend my day in a positive way, accomplishing things as simple as doing the dishes that will make me feel better. And yet I am so tired.

I need to focus on that precious little girl just 5 minutes away from me. And think about how everything will be a wonder to her. How the tiniest things in the world will make her happy and how her being happy will make all of us happy. She already makes us smile and laugh. And that has to exist somewhere beyond this baby, this experience…

Things is always, how? Because we seem to forget a lot of the time. I do. And I get in my own way a lot. And let other things block me, too. And now what? Literally, at this very moment I sit here, now what?

Newborns… 2010, January 29

Are absolutely amazing. Having sat with Steph for 12 hours of her labor was an incredible experience – i am in awe of my beautiful friend. Baby Anastasia Juliet took her time coming into the world, where we have all waited for her with love. She’s here now and it is impossible to feel anything but joy when holding her – a joy that I get to take with me to home and work and anywhere I go and then start thinking about her. Which is nonstop these past couple of days. I slept very little, between hospital and grandma duties it was go, go, go, and am still ridiculously exhausted – and then I hold that baby and the rest of the world melts away.

Welcome to the world, little one. It can be a scary place, but you are surrounded by love and caring and people who will protect you, guide you, and teach you to make your way. Plus now the world is a little better since jan 27, 4:34pm.

And, beautiful girl, thanks for being born on the 27th – one of my favorite numbers. I love you – Auntie G

Poppy's room theme

2 lurvely valentine’s (yuck) cards 2010, January 28

found these in an etsy shop.

one is how i feel about everyone i love.

the second is a big huge main part of what i think true love is.

i am broke and i love you

(i love you because of your faults)

All over the place, but headed for one 2010, January 24

As M said, it’s not a matter of if I move to Austin, but when. I need to get myself there. But how?

I want to do this right. I would love to have a job beforehand, yet I know how difficult it is to get a job when you are not living tin the city where you are job hunting. No one wants to read a resume in Austin from someone who lives in St. Petersburg. Waste of time. I should have at least gotten myself a PO Box last time I was there. I need an Austin address. I thought, use M’s? Ask G? And then I thought, just pick a time and move. Done it before, do it again. I always land on my feet, right?

This is a different move than ever before. I am not running away, I am choosing one city over one I have outgrown and in which I do not feel like I am home. I am choosing a city with a network of friends who are my family. A city where, interesting enough, has welcomed some SF transplants I know. That’s pretty cool. I am not moving to Austin b/c the grass is greener over there (i think literally the grass might be greener here, not sure after the frost). I am moving to Austin because I am happy every time I visit. I have a sense of place there and a yearning to make my place there.

The Magical Austin Scavenger Hunt of last weekend is honestly the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me. I always see myself going at this alone – the moving, packing, decisions, getting things in order, etc. The details are still mine, of course. But here are people welcoming me with open arms, waiting for me to come home. Even P, who doesn’t live there at the moment has told me things will be cool once I’m in “Austin where I belong.” S made me happy by telling me well, “you already live here you just have to bring your stuff.” Different people from different worlds and different times in my life encourage me in a very matter-of-fact way. Like, duh, of course you are living in Austin. Emphasis on the living, please. A therapist once told me, when I was practically bedridden, that I can have such a life if I chose, stay physically alive and just do nothing. “But is that really living?” she asked. I agreed it was not.

Things on the apartment and job front have occurred recently that have prompted me into Phase 2 of all of this. I told my work buddy S that I already have almost all my feet out the door, but 2 Fridays ago my idiot manager’s stupidity pretty much kicked my ass waaayyy out the door. People at work tell me to leave, anyway. Too talented for this place. Too much bullshit to put up with. Personally, I don’t like the negativity tied to my job recently. It’s not just me or I would really question myself and what’s up (I do that anyway). But so much disillusionment and mistrust all around. I started out loving my work, my job, my company. I still love being a writer, but it’s not fun or exciting anymore. I feel like a mule just being pushed to work with no care or concern for me as a person. Some people say, well, that’s the corporate world. But it wasn’t 2 years ago – people laughed and smiled and there was a true sense of community. And besides, if this is how it is and I should just deal with it, well, that’s never been my style. If it was, I might actually have a career :) I do not want to spend 10 hours a day being miserable and unappreciated. Though I readily admit that some of those hours are awesome, if I actually get to write something exciting and then get a thank you for it; if my talent gets acknowledged; and, most of all, those times when I get to chat and kid around and drink the good coffee with friends. A while back I knew I was leaving when suddenly I thought of my coworkers and made a mental list of those I would keep in touch with. That just popped into my head that day. Big sign!

The bad thing about this move is that before this, I have really fucked up. Bankruptcy #2, this time not all cleared but me having to make a monthly payment for 5 years. That’s fine, more than fine, I take responsibility for what I did (there’s a new one). But as a result of that mess, I have no credit cards. Just one with a tiny limit, which I almost maxed out once just because I feared they would take it away and I may as well get some necessities before then. Still have the card, though. But it’s nowhere near enough to rent a moving truck.

I forget I have a tiny 401K. I’ve never been one for investments (obviously). But there’s a small cushion there, so even if I cash out and lost a percentage of it and then have to pay taxes on it, etc., that’s some money, enough for a month’s rent (but rent & deposit? dunno). My new lease here says the tenancy can end with 15 days notice. Because that’s all that FL requires for a month-to-month lease. I know I’m not getting my deposit back (I traded in living in color and decals and phrases on the wall for $500.) Repainting would cost a lot. And as much as I was aware that my painting would not be welcome (the chick here had painted before, so it’s not like they could tell me to keep my brown/blue bathroom – changed to cream/violet or my orange/brown kitchen – kept as is b/c hello, orange!) I created a home that is totally me. And that is something I needed. This is my first apartment after my “lost years” and I had to create a home (well, it’s my 2nd apt as the 1st one was a shithole run by an asshole who stole all my stuff – all the more reason to create a feeling of home and comfort in this place).

So, how do I move? I always used to “borrow” money from my mother, but she is broke. She lives on social security and a pension now. Has high property taxes. And her husband rarely works, if ever. He has to see if  misc jobs come around, paid by cash. I guess that might be b/c of all his trouble in this country – he does not want his name out there on more documents, etc. I adore him and I admire him, but he was jailed for weapons. Many, many years ago. And not to commit crimes, but he kept sneaking into Cuba. His dream is a free Cuba. He and his brothers were imprisoned and tortured by the government there, some died. So hell, I would fight the good fight as well. But I digress… like by a lot…!

There is no cushion this time for moving. No savings ( man, I managed to save $7,000 while in SF – a HUGE amount for me – and then i spent every penny during my “lost years”). My lost years gave me life, though. I never wanted to truly LIVE before I went through all of that. But it did mean 2 years of travel, shopping and a plethora of music shows. No regrets about the music at all. Or the travel. But i did bankrupt myself in the process. Maybe part of me thought I wouldn’t live through it so may as well live it up as best I could by going to Dublin for shows, NY for shows, etc.

I have made a lot of mistakes. All the stuff I used to beat myself up about. (well, literally, i did beat myself up twice). I am where I am because of everything I have gone through. Cool if it could have been easier, but it is what it is. And now I am a person who can embrace gratitude, gets to rediscover herself, and doesn’t think about hurting herself. With help, I saved my life. I guess whatever money it took to travel on the path that got me there had to be well spent (in the metaphorical sense). But now what?

I need movers to pack a truck. I need a truck. I need gas money. I need to sneak Belle into hotel rooms along the way. I need an apt. I might need storage for a month, or not, much easier to already have my apt. and just get there and hire someone to unload that truck and put my stuff in my new place. I live paycheck to paycheck here, though, and it’s all about bills,bills, bills. I have $25 in a savings account.

I have said over and over that this move will happen at its own pace. Like I am going with the flow of things. And that’s all well and good. But manifestation also has to involve a bit of action, no? And I know I am in phase B, where I prepare and start to move forward. Yet I have not packed a single box and have no plan in sight. I’ve done this intentionally so that this move is not like all the others where I am just running, running, running away. But there does have to be some planning. Especially for me, as I feel less and less in control of all of this. Of even holding it and sitting with it in the presence. (Doesn’t help that I seem to have the flu, but still…)

Dear Universe, I need the financial means to be able to move. I need instant apt approval at a nice place where Belle will feel at home. I need a job asap, pretty please as a writer/editor. If I have to do temp work before, please help me with that. I need help. I need cosmic help. I need the energy to flow with me and through me. Miracles can and do happen, and I need one of those.

I started working on my Austin journal (started with the scavenger hunt) yesterday. Didn’t get very far, but what does it do anyway? it created focus, Gisele. It creates a concrete view of what’s in your heart. My wishes and dreams. Plus, it’s magical. It says so. :)

I know packing will help me feel better since I will be able to visualize the change. But I keep putting it off, as I also put off all the creative impulses I have had lately. Why? Self doubt? Whatever it is, it needs to go away. Because I AM doing this. I need to do this. I need to go to the place that, every time I have visited last year and this one, feels like home. I take a deep breath, I smile, and I love being there. It’s not the promised land or la-di-da playground. I know that. I know me more and more. And I know I have to push myself to get there. FL is so not the place for me. For these 2 years (almost 2) I was definitely meant to be here. Continuous healing. Not settling for a crappy job but holding out to be a writer — that is HUGE. But I’ve given and taken all I can. I’ve learned confidence in my writing and talent, the knowledge that I can be a powerful voice at my job… I’ve made co-workers friends that I adore. I got my beautiful Belle who has helped me in so many ways. But I am done with here. Time to move on. (My mother sowed doubt when she said “of course, it’s what you do.” I got really angry b/c i didn’t even think of it in that way, for once. And now it’s in the back of my head. Stop trying to fix things by moving, Gisele.) But I don’t think I am trying to fix anything. I still am an overeater and a shopaholic here and there (until I can change that). I want to change my surroundings to match Me better. I don’t want negativity that affects all the hard work I have done to be positive and grateful and a genuinely good person. I don’t like those days at work when I get angry and have negative thoughts. I catch myself and tell myself, ok, turn it around. But I have to do that more and more.

No one really knows how hard I have worked on me. To get to the point where I actually like myself and think I am pretty damn awesome (yes, awesomer if skinnier, but shit, that has been there the longest!). I want to feel compelled to take care of myself. I am not an angry, negative person – deep down, I am not at all! And I need to take care of that. It took me 2 years of being a total hot mess and being out there batshit crazy before I got to this clearer point. I found things I had lost – my spirituality, my self, my generosity, my innate inner being who wants to laugh all the time. I know it’s up to me. I know no one or no thing can just up and take that away from me. But I do not like how, every day I spend here, it wears off more and more. My morning walks with Belle have been my favorite part of every day, and it’s becoming harder to just “be” during that special time – and that’s not good for either one of us. She seems out of sorts, might be sick… So am I though, and this is one ultra-sensitive dog who picks up every feeling I have.

I’m thinking aloud here. I picked up the computer b/c I need to write it down. It’s my M.O. I need to tell the universe and anyone reading this. I need to send out a universal call for abundance, strength and perseverance. I need to keep remembering I CAN do this. I need the means to do it. And I don’t know what that is (yet?). Perhaps it’s time to buy that lottery ticket that will bring me that $100,000 I wrote on that blank prosperity check from the universe. I’m not asking for millions. I want to work this out myself. I want to be responsible for myself – something I learned in all that work I did. Not only that I have to be responsible for myself (terrifying), that I can’t blame others (shit), that I can’t make others responsible for my life (ugh, dammit). It took forever for me to understand that – to get past the but “so-and-so” did that TO me, i didn’t do it, i can’t do anything about it, etc. I can do something about it, because I can do something about me. Responsibility can be scary but it is so rewarding as well.

Money, money, money. How do I move? I need help with the details, the physical needs of making this manifest. I will get back into the positive thinking and visualizing – i HAVE to. Yet I am also practical, analytical and a list-maker. And that part is missing in this equation…

Trust.? Ask.? Believe.? I’m putting it out there, universe. Please be gentle! Most of all, please be kind!

ABUNDANCE.

A good start to my morning… 2010, January 6

THIS NEVER POSTED FOR WHATEVER REASON. WAS STIL IN DRAFT. SO HERE IT IS.

omg, I heard from Gwen!!!! After years of just losing touch and not talking, for no reason really. I get to have her back in my life. And she’s still in Austin. I’m still grinning. What an awesome surprise.

and then i walked Belle and there is frost on the grass. more awesomeness. shut up whiny Floridians – as long as you have shelter, be grateful and enjoy this wonderful rare string of cold days. (in the 30’s so I now allow the use of the term cold)

brilliant start to the day. maybe this gratitude thing works…

and next weekend, i get to see my sisters in Austin and my Tulipop and his laughter. (and drink Purple Cowboy wine with a side of magic pop and breakfast burritos for breakfast).

Gonna try to make this a wonderful day. I’m not at work (good start so far!). I can do this :) Oh, and I want to create my manifestation/vision board today. Daily reminder of what I want, then nightly reminder of what I am grateful for. I sound a bit new agey, huh? Oh, but how nice to be finding my spirituality again. I’ve missed this part of me.

Um… Yay!