I Give Up 2009, March 31

never been able to surrender. Well, surrendering! Buddhist sense? Fuck that, no way. This is different. I’m giving up. Letting go. I am tired. I am defeated. I can’t take it anymore, the hoping my life will be different, and the extreme aching and loneliness and tears because it is not. If life (as someone once told me several times) is what we make of it… then I have made nothing. And nothing begets nothing. And I honestly don’t see another way. I can’t see what is not there.

I give up. Stop struggling. Accept the shitiness of it all. And realize that, aslways, “and so it is…”

And here’s the soundtrack… (there’s always a soundtrack):

I tied myself with wire
To let the horses run free
Playing with the fire until the fire played with me
The stone was semi-precious
We were barely conscious
Two souls too smart to be in the realm of certainty
Even on our wedding day

We set ourselves on fire
Oh God, do not deny her
It’s not if I believe in love
But if love believes in me
Oh, believe in me

At the moment of surrender
I folded to my knees
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

whatever 2009, March 30

Overwhelmed… by … it all. The responsibility of petty, mundane things that have a stupid importance I don’t want them to have. The bleakness of everything. Again it comes. Again it’s always there lurking, never really leaving. No matter what I’ve tried or done, it’s not enough. No matter how far I come, I could say I get dragged back, but we all know I drag myself back.
So there it is. Sad. There’s the cliff and I need to step back, I shouldn’t even be facing in this direction. But there it is. There I am. Here I am. So what’s scarier? That it’s there again – nah, it’s always there. It’s all a “choice,” right? Ha ha. Right.
It’s there. I’m here. I feel dragged to it, ironically by my immobility. No, that’s not true. By my mistakes. It always comes done to that – all my mistakes. Horrible mistakes, but I didn’t even know. I’ve never even felt like I had a choice…in anything (anything in my life, really).
It’s there. I’m here. Or am I there. Right now, minute by minute, I don’t know. I do know the pain is real because not only am I overwhelmingly sad, but there it is, that familiar tightness, that pain in my chest, the hurt that never lets me forget, ever, ever, ever, that it is there. And it’s been there for a long time. Years and years. So long that I don’t know much different. So long that I can’t honestly remember when it wasn’t there. So long that I guess I am more surprised when it isn’t there than when it is. But damn does it hurt. I can ignore lots of things, I guess, but not such a physical pain.
So there it is. It doesn’t really matter where I am. Not at this moment when I start to turn numb because, well, it’s what I do. Survival. Always survival. Funny, though… for what?
Right now at this moment nearing the edge. What’s scariest after all? That at this moment, I don’t care. At this moment I have no fight. I’ve made my peace, or have been trying to, with the facts that encompass my life. i don’t like them. But there they are. May as well face up to it. After all, I’m supposed to be taking more responsibility for things.

I’m tired.

And right now, at this moment, I don’t much give a fuck where I am. especially when, here we go again, I completely cannot see another way, a way out, a way different.

So why not just get closer to that edge. Why the fuck not?

Yeah, I thought so…

another baby shower… 2009, March 30

i am, right now, in the middle of preparing decorations for a baby shower. also went around to all coworkers, with small slips of paper, and asked them to write something for mom, baby, parenting advice, etc. which i am placing on a really cute memo board that has baby feet all over it.

this is insane for a few reasons.

1. i really don’t know the girl at that well. but everyone should have a baby shower, so i said i’d do it. because i do love decorating (i go overboard) and planning a party. yesterday i was on the internets looking up baby quotes, especially baby girl ones. on thursday (my so-called day off that tends to turn into the day i run errands) i bought the last of the stuff like cups and drinks (Ruby Red since the baby’s name is Ruby Sue). and last night i baked cupcakes. even have the pink stuff here to decorate them later.

2. part of it totally kills me. this is like Pregnancy Central. sine i have been here there have been 3 births and we currently have 4 women who are preggers. i haven’t even been here a year. and i don’t think anyone really knows how much i want one.
ever since i took care of jordyn and realized that i was a natural at this mom thing, i have wanted a baby every day. i had (and have) pure unconditional love for that baby girl (who’s not a baby anymore and i miss her so much i cry if i think about it). i knew, every second that i was with here, that i would give my life for her and do anything to keep her safe. and she wasn’t even mine. and i knew, still, with every ounce of my being, that i would die before i let anything happen to her. i know the way i talked about her when i took care of her, and that surprised some people. but this was pure love and tlc at its most raw. i changed lots of poop diapers, when she became potty trained i took her to the potty, i was the one that started to teach her letters and words, i was the one that slowly got her in the pool and once she loved it i was the one that went through the whole outfit/changing/swim diaper scenario and the frequent i want in, i want out of pool time. i fed her. i gave her bottles. i put her down for her naps and stayed with her until she fell asleep. when no one else would, i woke up at 5am so her mom could drop her off at the house on her way to work – her own grandmother wouldn’t even do that. but i would take that sleepy baby in my arms and coo to her and all was right with the world. i bathed her. i got peed on. i watched the same dora tape over and over and over again. i played with her. i babysat her at her own house. we had playdates where we blew bubbles and played on the jungle gym and she went for a bike ride while i walked next to her. and every moment was priceless.

i get so angry at the world that i won’t get to experience this. it’s not even the age thing, it’s the whole i am totally alone and so no baby for me. i don’t want a baby so she will love me and depend on me and then i will never be alone. i want a baby because i have a heart that’s just bursting with love to give to a child, my child. that love is going to waste. anything i have to give just lies dormant until one day it will die. but loving my baby would be overflowing, powerful love that would grow every day. i know this. i KNOW this.

so instead i daydream. i touch my belly. i think of the names i have picked. i think of bassinets and nurseries and outfits. i even think of daycare. i think of her playing with the kind of toys i played with, the building blocks and art kits and stuff that fosters creativity. i think of snuggling. i think of just watching her sleep, listening to her breathing. i think of holding her and cradling her head in my hand, the soft hair brushing against my palm.

—————-

but so much for that. so i guess all there is left to say is:
FUCK YOU, UNIVERSE.

i would very much like to hear this live on may 7 please and thank you 2009, March 27

love this song:

diamond and a tether

pity
take pity on me
cause i’m not half the man that i should be
always turning to run
from the people i should not be afraid of
and darlin’ you should know
that i have fantasies about being alone
it’s like love is a lesson
that i can’t learn
so i make the same mistakes at each familiar turn

i know you can’t hold out forever
waiting on a diamond and a tether
from a boy who won’t swim but will dip his toe in
just to keep you here with him

i’ve got this habit i abhor
when we go out i’m always watching the door
as if there’s someone i’m gonna see
that could outdo the things that you do to me

i know you can’t hold out forever
waiting on a diamond and a tether
from a boy who won’t fly
but who will take to the skies
If he feels you’re about to say goodbye

pity
take pity on me
cause i’m not half the man that i should be
and i don’t blame you
you’ve had enough
of all these empty promises and countless bluffs

’cause i know you can’t hold out forever
waiting on a diamond and a tether
from a boy who won’t jump
when he falls in love
he just stands with his toes on the edge
and he waits for it to disappear again

i look up handmade art and paper crafts a lot… 2009, March 27

especially when i have no desire to work. which is most fridays.