Yesterday was such a weird day. A lot of it self-induced of course. Not one huge catastrophe, just a bunch of little or not that little things that together just bothered me or angered me or frustrated me, etc. So I of course wanted to buy myself a present. And to eat. And the 2 came together and i stuffed myself as much as I could. while taking some prescription painkillers, none of them prescribed to me of course. i’m like my stepdad that way. we love our painkillers even when we don’t know what they are. but they create a nice lull, nothing too out there, and you get to lie there and that’s pretty much it.
they are restructuring my department and adjacent department at work. or rather, they restructured and then pulled us all into a “flash” (last minute) meeting to tell us. we’ve had too many of those meetings lately. so many of us walk into them holding our breath, waiting to hear how many jobs will be cut. i sat there of friday thinking well, if they wanted to get rid of me, they would have let me go before the meeting. they let go 2 people from the dept we work with most, our co-department. didn’t see that coming. my boss got promoted. her then-equal has some job now that he will kinda be defining on his own, something about editing. and, the part that has all the writers worried, suddenly 4 of our peers, 1 for each of our teams, will be promoted to a senior position that basically will have us reporting to them as our managers. well we didn’t see that coming. basically we will suddenly have one of our peers in charge of our team. i am not applying for it. i’m not into management. while, and i don’t say this with conceit, i know i would be better at this than the person who will likely get it. she seems very eager. too bad she won’t be any good at it. and what a weird change it will be to our work atmosphere. the luster of loving my job has faded a little. too much uncertainty and crazy changes…
and of course there’s the part where i open my email saturday morning to get email from the long-lost him.i responded, as usual, with a long, rambling response that will surely be too long and of course not understood. you try to explain something fairly obvious to someone for some years and he doesn’t get it so he never will. but well, all those repeated words, once again a potential embarrassment, but it’s the last time i am saying them, so may as well just repeat words he will never understand or refuses to understand. turns out i’m not the one that sees things in black/white the most. and he who does will never ever realize this.
and the coldplay tickets. i could have done better. didn’t do my best. i get angry at myself for that. i wish i had had the money in my accnt on friday to just go for the expensive tickets from the start, b/c we would have better seats. we’re gonna have a good time, i love coldplay live, i love the songs and the band and i’ve never seen them really up close before so i know it’s not a big deal or a necessity. but i hate being trumped by others in an area where i have totally built up my skills. i tried to be calm and go for the mid-price tix at first (which sucked) which means i lost the window to have the better tickets. ugh. mad at self. i am VERY grateful, truly, and am ready to really enjoy the show no matter where i am sitting as long as i have a seat. but yesterday i was allowed to be a little upset that i, in one of my skilled areas, didn’t do better.
then i also got email from the paralegal. i make $1,100 more a year than the top amount that lets people file chapter 7. at the beginning i was all ready for 13, a combination of responsibility with a way to handle this better. but then the seed, however small, of the possibility of 7 was planted in my head as something that might not be impossible. and i really wanted it. now my financial future and payments are in the hands of someone else. it comes down to something where they decide what one monthly amount i pay (to the court? to…?) for the next 60 months (5 years). i know 5 years is totally reasonable considering how i dealt with all the financial stuff and shopping addiction as a way to feel fulfilled, even if just for a couple of minutes. and i need to own up to my actions. still, i worry about coming up with whatever payments will be set on me. the dog has been really expensive since she is getting medical treatment for the first time. and me, well, something always happens, like a surprise corneal abrasion that ended up with immediate costs within 2 weeks of $110 out of my bank account. i had a doctor’s appt. 12 days ago for something else. and i have an ‘iatrist appt (finally – what a nightmare that has been to even get someone on the line) which i hope goes well. and that means doctor copay plus the wonderful expense of my medication. i take 1 pill of 1 kind, 2 of another, and 3 of another – it’s not exorbitantly expensive with insurance, but hey, it’s still a monthly burden. basically i get 2 paychecks a month. one means groceries and utilities and household stuff. the other means rent and not much else. oh, and now i have to give extra money to the lawyer for chap 13 filing. after the 1200 already paid, i have to give them $150 before we even file, and then the filing fees are almost $400. plus the $55 or more for the online classes i have to take. and yet these amounts, which i have struggled BIG TIME to gather, are at least MUCH less than my total debt. but as this moves forward and i have to go to court eventually and all that, i will be a nervous wreck. b/c the trustee doesn’t care of you were sick or robbed or your mom lives on a pension and just had 2 surgeries with one more to go. tough shit. that 1,100 “extra” is laughable as i never have that sort of money just lying around available to me!
at least when i talked to my mom the other day she said she had thought of calling me the evening before, to see if i had gotten some of the meds she was able to get for me thru one of her doctors. but more than that she wanted to tell me she missed me, since for her last operation i took really good care of her and she missses not having me there now. huh.
and the elliptical. i hate it. i finally buy what for me is an expensive machine. i do it thru my company b/c of the big discount and because i can pay for it in installments. but i hate it. in addition to problems, strides are beyond wrong. and so now i have to take it apart (it took hours to put the million pieces together) and wait and see if i am going to have to take this someplace to be mailed back (i don’t have to pay for it b/c there are problems with the thing – and all the probs are from the one small part that comes preassembled).and if they come pick it up (doubt it) i will have to sit here for a day, all day. and if i have to take it somewhere, well the damn thing weighs 151 lbs. which is the reason i had to break up the box when i got it, since i had to pick it apart and carry pieces up the stairs in several trips. delivery means to your door/curbside. stairs? haha. on your own. so i have a treadmill box from work and will pack up this shit best i can, call my company’s (awesome) customer service, and see what response they got from the (shitty service) vendor. so much for having my exercise machine. might not ever matter.
i was doing really well and even enjoying eating better. then one day i lost my resolution, over a mcdonalds burger and/or donuts on sale. as usual, trying to relieve my stress and emotions with sugar and carbs. which just turns into guilt and regret and physically feeling worse and destroying the small amount of progress i had actually made. i know it’s a bad weekend when the dog bothers me by being in the way and then i feel awful and give her massage/touch and treats (i perpetuate the making one feel better with food). and i have this thing where i just fall asleep on the couch every day. like an old person or something. i HATE this. i hate the unavoidable changes that come from aging, even more unavoidable when i’ve just given up.
and this is not even me in the throes of a bad depression. this is me tired and frustrated and fed up. and wishing for an ounce of happiness in my life with no idea how to find or create it.
nytimes and academy awards… make this sunday better, ok?
even as i sit here amidst junk and dog hair (i hate an unclean house) that i need to tackle and he resulting clean and organization would make me feel better. thing is, there’s a greater chance of me falling asleep on the couch. :(
