she’s the most beautiful baby… 2009, January 26

Olivia is here now. I stared at her for a long time and then had to come back to my desk. She is breathtakingly gorgeous. Not just in that “what a cute baby” sort of way (b/c, let’s face it, not all babies are cute) – but she is breathtaking. From her outfit to her orange stroller she is stylin’. She has little socks on that look like Mary Janes.  I told Jaime I guess they had them covered up so I wouldn’t eat her toes (nom nom nom).

I had to walk away partly because I want to cry. I just wanted to pick her up and have her be mine. I touched her hands a couple of times and it was all I could do not to push her parents away and take her out of her stroller and cuddle her in my arms.

My womb (if I have one) is literally aching. I am so not even kidding. There is an intense feeling of emptiness there that is overwhelming. An actual physical yearning that makes it hard to breathe.

ps. to prove that the womb ache is real… i am now breaking out in some sort of hives or something all over my belly.

last week i got a packet in the mail about adoption. of course, in no way do i remotely qualify, but i did choose my preference of a baby from Kazakhstan. this is what late-night stupid internet surfing will get you. a slap of reality.

stuff at work today 2009, January 23

the good:  my least favorite person at work got fired. rightfully so. he always made inappropriate comments, especially to women.

the bad: my fave person here, Jaime, is leaving for another job. this is Olivia’s dad. this is the person i threw a shower for and decorated his cube with lots of pink baby stuff for his return after paternity leave.

the ugly: i’ve never gotten teary at a staff meeting before. i guess there’s a first for everything. i am holding back tears. weird, huh? i haven’t even known him a year but he’s one of the good guys.

we had a “creative” writing task. write a 6-word memoir. here’s mine:

When’s it my turn? Still waiting

babies on the brain 2009, January 13

it doesn’t help that it seems like everyone at work is pregnant. i hear all the time about what gender the upcoming babies are, due dates, possible baby names, etc.

in a “i know this is such a waste of time” move i went and browsed a FL adoption site the other day. which basically comes down to, nope, we’ll never entrust you with a child, you would fail any home visit b/c you do not have enough support, and we’d rather babies go without a parent than ever be raised by the likes of Very Single No Baby Daddy you.

Amalah, one of my favorite bloggers, once again wrote simply yet eloquently about her 2 boys.

“When Noah was born, it was like the sun and the moon and the stars came to live in my house, in my arms. … Having [Ezra] is like discovering that there is, in fact, a second sun and moon and galaxy of stars. They may be a lot like the ones you’ve seen before, but are still completely unique and amazing. And you sit and you stare and you smile, as your heart bends and expands to fit this new universe.”

I miss the days when I got to take care of Jordyn. Such instinct kicked in, it was incredible. I’d never felt anything like that. And I knew, every day that I took care of her, that I would give my life to protect her. Complete unconditional love just flowed. We had sweet times and fun times and educational times, and it was all perfect even when it wasn’t – perhaps even more then.

I am so disappointed that I will never get such a chance to love a child of my own, not even one I don’t birth myself. Some people say, oh you still have time. Not really. I have no idea if my body would cooperate, but more than that, unless i fall in love tomorrow with a viable sperm donor… yeah…

The whole thing just saddens me a bit. This is not something I want to miss out on, and I get angry at the cards I have been dealt. Once in a while I hope and wish that I will be able to exchange some of those cards and end up with a better hand. But the same old deck mocks me.

I’m not even depressed these days. But, like I said on facebook, I want what I want. And I can’t figure out a way to make any of it happen. And then I do get a bit depressed when I think, what the hell made me so unlovable that someone, anyone, wouldn’t want to be with me? And what horrible thing did i do that i can’t be forgiven for, to experience the cruelty of wanting to share all the love in my heart, and not getting that chance.

I’m sure the logical answer anyone would give is that “it’s up to me.” But I can’t force the universe to bring me what I most want. And what I most need – to love openly and unconditionally. It’s different from sitting here wanting to be loved by someone (though of course I would like that very much.) But the epiphany is that I want to give love more than I want to take it.  All I ask is for the chance…

Totes Random 2009, January 12

I watched the Golden Globes last night. Not too bad. I loved that Kate Winslet won both of her awards and I love how moved she was by the while thing. Can’t remember any outstanding dresses, but I wasn’t paying that much attention to that – the red carpet seemed pretty boring this year.

For the Oscars, I try to watch every movie/performance nominated in the big categories, unless it is something that I am not interested in at all and don’t care about it (i.e., Gran Torino). So far I have been lucky to see Benjamin Button, Milk (Sean Penn is amazing), Frost/Nixon, Vicky Cristina Barcelona (loved it; it’s the 1st Woody Allen movie where I totally forgot I was watching a Woody Allen movie. He didn’t inject himself into it and it worked. And this comes from a Woody Allen fan), Revolutionary Road (I don’t even know how to describe what they capture – this is a good thing)… I will watch the Wrestler likely not this but the weekend after. I didn’t expect In Bruges to be big (but at the Globes it makes sense) – I don’t have to see it but I do have the ability to do so, so I will. Besides, I loved Colin’s acceptance speech, off the cuff, funny, cool and heartfelt. Oh, I also saw Slumdog Millionaire. The directing is great and deserves accolades, but the story is not the best one out there. I mean, it’s good, it’s nothing I’ve seen before, but some elements are just too pat/aligned – it feels like a novel, but not in the usual way I hand that out as praise. Really want to see The Reader and Rachel Getting Married. Maybe Doubt, but not all that interested. I looked to see if Rachel Getting Married was playing near me. Well, if you count having to drive at least 2 hours north or 3 hours south, then sure, it’s right there! It’s not even Orlando proper or Miami proper, say, which would at least be a real trip with other stuff.

I am totally in creative mode lately. I want to make like a dozen collages. But I want to make a more mixed media one (where is my material from Etsy?!) with old train tickets and receipts and paper dolls from 50 or 60 years ago. Not sure how to make that work completely. The magazine collages pale in comparison. And of course, what the hell will I do with this stuff anyway. But my eye sees images and words and wants to do something. Would love to take pictures again, but this isn’t exactly the right city for that…

I ate very little last week. I only felt like I was starving one day, which I guess is OK. My metabolism is already shot so what the hell, may as well be extreme while I can tolerate it. I have no idea if I have lost any weight. Have not been doing the weighing thing. I did buy a large piece of exercise equipment but it has not been delivered yet. And I bought a dvd but have not opened it yet b/c I am not sure I want to keep it since I am not sure I will do it. i am trying to not fall into my common logic that well, i bought stuff, so i am on my way! it’s like when i used to want to cook vegetarian and i would buy a cookbook and read it and mark the recipes i liked. then i put the book away and never made a thing. it’s like ok, got book, read book, found recipes…whew…that was a lot… done!

i don’t want to jinx this but so far i have been ok in the new year. life still sucks, of course, but i haven’t been massively depressed. in my facebook profile i wrote that “i want what i want. but now i have to figure out how to make it happen.” i do want what i want. and i still have little to no confidence that i can make it happen. but today, yesterday, the day before…i haven’t been in emotional pain. so, that’s a pretty ok thing.

i have to go to work now. i continue to love my job, with the same fear many other Americans have that my job will disappear, i will get fired, etc. i’ve felt that a lot in many jobs before, just from my own thoughts and nature, but this time it’s not just my skewed imagination. there is a house a bloco or 2 away from me, a house that I walk by every day when I walk Belle. it doesn’t have a regular For Sale sign. basically in 2 weeks it will be auctioned. so, those folks totally lost their house. there are insulting signs in the front that say “this property is occupied, do not disturb.” this keeps happening around the US. not cool.

i went to work this weekend, not to work but to decorate Jaime’s cube since he’s back at work today after 3 weeks of paternity leave/using his vacation days to spend time with his gorgeous baby girl. i went overboard, i know it. he’s probably sitting there a bit embarrassed right now. he’ll likely guess i did it, and if so, i will let him know that i totally overdid it and please do not feel like you need to keep all the ballons and treamers and signs up. i even dressed up the work treat table with congratulations signs and girly-colored m&m’s.

will i be late to work? likely… i hardly worked on friday, which is so stupid to do in this economy…

oh and Belle had her heartworm treatment. she was pretty uncomfy and miserable thursday and friday evening but she is fine now. she has to rest, rest, rest and no cardio, which means no dog park. they had to shave 2 little squares to get those painful big needles in there. the day her doctor ws there it’s just a small square, buzzed but not totally hairless. the next day, when another doctor did it, it’s twice as big and the poor puppy has this super-white spot now. oh well, at least she can’t see it. she’s sitting next to me on the couch now, sleeping.

time to go. one more thing. how the hell did gas prices increase by 20-cents or more in the last week? wtf?

and one more more thing. january 20th. all i can do is watch history and hope this is the beginning of something great. not everything will be fixed. not everything will be accomplished in 4 years (i mean,the idiot took 8 years to completely fuck us over – deficit in the trillions anyone?! i remember when we had a Clinton surplus! illegal war? government torture and unlawful detainment in guantanamo? bailout for the big cats that personally never lost a dime while the rest of us struggle to pay our bills? super high unemployment?). it will take a while. but at least i am confident we will head in the right direction. i dare not hope too high, but i can’t help but hope…

i have 12 minutes to do the 15-20 min drive to work… i’m obvs having a sleepy morning. it seems delightfully grey outside. and they say a cold front is coming. ooh, a cold one with canadian air! how chilly will it get, fret the weathermen and women? i can answer that. Not Chilly Enough.

at least i get to wear boots…

and i was gonna include a p.s. here but suddenly lost the thought…

10 minutes until i am supposed to be at work. oh well… best be getting in the car. oh, now i remember. i have next door neighbor nows. they seem to shower at the same time i do. so i hate them a little bit. b/c somehow at some point i run out of hot water and that pisses me off. ugh. they need to change their schedules. i was here first.

……………………………………………………………………

and then… 2009, January 6

Craig Ferguson got married over the holidays. in a beautiful white snowy scene in Vermont. where his, um, wife’s parents have some sort of house/farm. he wore a kilt.

he looks happy. he even showed a pic from the wedding.

i’m trying not to take it personally!

but if i had to pick any celebrity to be with, without a doubt, without hesitation, it would be him. because he is awesome. and now he has a mrs. awesome. and goddamn, i wish i was her.

sigh.