halloween 2008, October 31

Sarah Palin, Boy George, Liz who just rolled out of bed, Christyna as Angelina, Little Red Riding Hood, Angelina as Christyna, and Sylvia as a “Shout Out”

PI does Halloween

KARMA CHAMELEON! 2008, October 31

omg! i pulled it off. i am sitting here in my awesome Boy George costume. everyone loves it. i am even carrying around a magazine with his Roling Stone cover taped to it. lots and lots of pictures have been taken. it is a great success, better than i even thought i could do. now i wish i was trick-o-treating or something!

we are having the work event (i’m making vampire bloody brew and i also brought biscuits) and that’s cool but i have meetings before and after (internal ones, at least).

anyway, i look totally awesome. people have even offered to tumble for me. but i had to ask them, do you really want to hurt me? do you really want to make me cry? hmm… but then again i’m a man without conviction…

oh, and just an fyi: Karma Chameleon is one of the BEST SONGS EVER.

Samhain Blessings and a Glorious Pagan New Year!

Brrrrrrrrrr! and Babies … 2008, October 28

It’s cold! YAY! It’s below 50! In FL! Yes!

I’m sitting in the back room (hottest in summer / coolest in winter) with all the windows open. My bare feet are freezing. The dog is sitting/sleeping next to me on this small couch and only the part of her that’s touching me is warm (woo hoo upper outer right thigh!).

I have been researching the US Coast Guard for a few hours now. It has to do with a “man shower” some of us are planning at work for one of my favorite coworkers ever, whose wife is having a baby in early Dec. So I’m looking up ideas for decorations. I have never thrown a baby shower before and certainly not one for a guy, but I volunteered for this one b/c this might just be the nicest guy I know. Oh, and they’re having a girl. And naming her Olivia.

That’s the name I’d have chosen for a baby daughter a few years ago.

Money. 2008, October 26

I hate money. As much as I hate food. Meaning that I wish I didn’t have to worry about either, that they didn’t both cause worry or shame. The food issue – I remember someone once saying that it would be so much easier to just wake up and take a pill full of your nutrients for the day. Sad, huh? Not to savor the nuances of flavor of textures. But it gets to a point where, let’s face us – us food addicts – find this all so hard to deal with. I was never taught how to eat right and my whole life I was told I was fat. I remember with all my back/forth travels when my mom picked me up at the airport she only told me ‘wow you look so good’ if I had lost a few pounds. It was never overstated, but it was obvious. And to this day, I struggle. Because if both a comfort and a personal hell. How else to explain that I have “eaten right” for 5 days and I am waiting to feel or I am ashamed and want to tell no one.

So what does that have to do with money? Well, as long as I can remember I always wanted a gift when I was down. Or a gift as a reward. Most of all, a gift for someone to show me I was loved. It was the only way I got true affection from my mom – she didn’t know how to nurture, but, even when dirt poor, she knew giving me money to buy something would calm me down. ironically, she never figured out a single item to buy for me herself. When she tried, she always got it wrong. Think “Say Anything” – my mom actually once bought me a pen. A nice, expensive pen, but truth be told it was just a fancy ballpoint. I hate ballpoint.

So to this day I want gifts. Especially when I feel like shit (which, ta da, anyone heard me say that lately?). I like shoes. They’re not super expensive and for those minutes while I try them on and walk around the store they make me happy. And when people at work notice, it makes me happy. And I only want stilettos b/c they get noticed more and even if my feet are killing me, I get compliments, if only b/c I am able to walk in them.

This month I find myself broke again. I have bought gifts in the last few months, shoes still unworn. It makes me happy they are there, waiting to comfort me. it also pisses me off b/c they are there and I spent money on them. I am, in my own way, making progress. This month I only bought one pair, and I had a coupon. Of course, the coupon was the main incentive to walk into the store. It was “well, i have to buy a pair of shoes b/c I have a coupon and I must use it.”

i have also become a ridiculous furniture and household junkie. I guess from the 2 years I had no control over my surroundings. I want everything to be cool, now. To reflect me. To have nothing lacking. I end up with more than enough. I stand in the living room every single day and survey if it is good, if something needs changing. The back room is ridiculous, since I have very little closet space. But it is 1/3 closet, sort of hidden by a leather-like divider, 1/3 desk and storage area – not the greatest but it’ll do, and 1.3 sitting area, like a tiny living room, where I am sitting now b/c it has lots of windows and thankfully there is a breeze.

Back to money. The above, though, sort of illustrates where my money has gone and why. It, like food, is an extremely emotional issue. It’s how I best know how to fill what’s missing. There’s a very “up” instant gratification. And of course, very soon after, a horrible instant “down” that has me hating myself. Oh, the wonderful life of being fucked up.

I am broke. I have been trying to curb my spending this month and I think I might be able to do it. The one pair of shoes is a success b/c it is one and only one pair. I was at Target and was sure I was gonna buy 2 $10 items and I got all the way to the register and said to the cashier, i changed my mind. That was a big step. I also steered clear of the clothing racks, even clearance. I pick up a lot of things at the store; the trick is to put most of them down. I bought a lipstick – I have needed/wanted a completely red lipstick – but I bought a decently-priced one AND i had a coupon. Again, a present of sorts, but controlled as much as I can at the moment. This is not a cold-turkey deal.

But yeah, I am broke. I don’t have the money to go out to dinner, say (not that there is any opportunity anyway). My own daily luxury is a starbucks latte for lunch – but that’s all I buy, not the $2 danish. I am back to brewing my morning coffee and making a cheese sandwich and not going thru the Dunkin Donuts drivethru for coffee and a bagel. Even the latte is now a tall and not a grande. I have not gone to McDonalds in a week. I have not gone to Panera, though I so crave their sandwiches and their pastries – all of which are expensive probably b/c they taste so damn good. So, cutting back on food and cutting back on money at the same time. Only 5 days so far, but goddamn it, I am trying.

I am broke b/c of my spending habits – but the ones before now, really. I maxed out my credit cards when I was mostly ’sick’ and just bought, bought, bought without a single piece of income coming in. I went to Dublin – twice. I bought expensive George Michael tickets (though that’s something I will never regret). I want to a lot of Frames and Damien Rice shows, all in New York. That was worth it; the spending associated with transportation and food and mindless store shopping while waiting for the doors to open – that was not. The obsession with expensive vodka didn’t help either (although look, I found out that my favorite is actually Grey Goose – flavored or straight). I have been wanting to escape to another European trip, of course – oh how I love it there. I want to go to gloomy Scotland. To Belfast. Would love to see Stockholm just because. I would love to travel the Continent – since I was a teenager that was my dream – so, money be damned, I have made as much of it happen as I can (so far). Closer to home I would love to see Montreal, but I would want to go with a boy, so that’s that. Europe solo I can do. Montreal, I know I can’t.

Broke. Why? Well, aside from my spending habits, there are actual problems with bills. If I actually paid my student loans and the minimum amount (which is worthless) on my credit cards, I really wouldn’t be able to make it any month. My default help (mom) is gone – she pretty much lives in the lower class, esperately trying to make it month to month with a husband who can barely find work and when he does it might be cleaning an office at night and that doesn’t bring in much money. Especially b/c he had to stop paying his bills, too. There just isn’t any money. Literally. We are not fat corporate cats, so we struggle every day. I have had chest pains for a week, I keep wondering why. Oh, yeah, it’s money issue that I try to ignore on the surface but that is killing me inside. Likely literally.

My bills are crazy – I mean just rent, tv/phone/internet, gas, and the humongous electric bills which are actually going to go up by $11/month next year. I have not had the a/c on for days. Even if I sit here and sweat, i am hoping it makes some sort of difference. I think at some point I might have been somewhat middle class, say lower middle class. The last 2 years, by govt standards, I was actually at the poverty level. Now my credit is shot and I don’t even have a “credit card for emergencies only” b/c the bastards closed it, even though it was the card I was paying over $200/month for. I get over a dozen calls a day -from 9am to 9pm. People want their money. I have none. I spent $600 out of pocket on therapy. I had my stuff stolen and had to replace some of it, plus I lost a $600 deposit, had to immediately pay a new one, and my rent is now costlier. Not to mention the $450 or so in moving costs for the movers and the storage facility – I had to get out of that hellhole immediately or i would have lost my mind. Car repairs b/c of my own stupid fault (a $650 lesson). I have a dog. I love my dog. But she needs food and care and stuff, and that shit is expensive.

I am seriously, this month, waking up more to try and get a handle on this. But I still do the math and come up short. This month I gave $20 to charity. And I am going to start a recurring $10/month for St. Jude’s Hospital. I may be broke, but I cannot not give to others. It’s not messed up – it really is something I have to do. And besides, I have spent more on lunch before. I bought some essential groceries yesterday (milk, bread, cheeses) and kept looking for cheaper stuff, putting stuff I wanted back. Makes me feel like a shitty failure most of the time.

My successes, well my main one, is that I “need” a tv for the back room. There is one there but it is from the asshole landlord and it is so crappy that it does not even have the connections for a dvd player. I can sit here and watch movies on a computer, yes. But my first impulse was to drive quickly to Best Buy and get a “small” hdtv. it has been HUGE that I have not done so.

I embarrassingly can’t even get people bday presents and such. That means innocent people like my godson have suffered. How’s that for shitty aunt when I don’t even send a tshirt? Oh, and xmas is obviously cancelled again this year. I don’t want presents. I can’t give presents. There. It is done. There is only one thing I want for myself, and that is a 1-day trip to Disney World. It’s been over a decade since I have gone and now I live like 2 hours away. I have a couple of days off in December. Instead of a vacation, a few days in Orlando, some theme parks, how about a cheap overnight motel and one day in Disney and then just drive back home no matter how tired or how late. I have been wanting, craving, Disney for a long time now. I will go by myself – likely just the way it will be perfect. i have a system I like to use. Get the most out of the day. Not much rest – go, go, go. I don’t even know why I brought this up. I guess because at this point it is a “luxury.” And makes me a liar as far as my curtailing my expenses. I dunno…

I do math in my head, never a good thing. I suck at math and I truly have number-dyslexia now. Most recently I switch Nov 12 / Nov 21 in my head. A little disappointing, since it had to do with the opening of the Twilight movie. And I haven’t even been going to the movies – my main outlet in SF. But in SF after my $45 monthly transportation pass I could go back and forth on the bus or train as much as I wanted. And I always went to matinees. And it was just go to the movie, sneak in a cheaper soda, never buy popcorn, and then go home – no stops. I got all my books from the library – reading tons of stuff (the train commute helped me read more, as did the quiet lunch at starbucks – i like lunch there b/c it is quiet and i can sit alone and read). My electricity was, at its highest maybe $38 a month, not $175. I had no car. Burrito dinners cost a little over $3 – cheap and satisfying.

So I do the math in my head. Often at traffic lights. I think of my actual “take home” money (i hope i get some sort of huge tax return) – after insurance payments and all that. I subtract the unavoidable bills. Very little is left over. And every month has some sort of unexpected emergency or expense. Every. month.

I am bankrupt again. And I am sure it is my fault, of course. I went through all my savings (i actually saved money while in SF) and then the cards. And I just sit here and fret. i let the calls come in and I don’t answer them. If I file bankruptcy, the cards will come after me and at the least come up with some sort of monthly payment deal – one I likely cannot really afford. I am the bird with the hole in the sand. What else can I do? I would like to win Lotto, but I don’t spend the $1 on the ticket anymore. I am trying to teach myself a bit of financial responsibility and food responsibility. Sounds simple to most, I guess, or fairly obvious. And, this is not an excuse but an explanation – it is an incredibly difficult battle to fight something that was ingrained in me as a child and that I have lived with for 30 years. It is a huge mountain that is not only hard to climb, but that I often sit down on the way up b/c it is so hard or overwhelming or difficult.

I have to get new contact lenses – have to, mine are no longer working or fit right (thanks to my whole misshapen cornea deal). These have to be specially designed. We’re talking $400.

I am going to a doctor tomorrow to see if he will be my “medication management” psychiatrist. Of the 10 doctors my insurance covered, his office was the only one I could actually get on the phone. I hope he just reads my history and prescribes my pills and doesn’t want to see me too regularly. Regular visits = money.

The best thing i did for myself recently was go to Austin. i had a therapy session that was worth ever penny and more. And I had a flight credit so I did not spend a lot on my ticket, maybe $100 at most. And it was the most healing thing I have done all year. The most healing thing I have done in a very long time. And it didn’t cost me $600 in talk therapy (which has hit a roadblock and it’s not worth the money to continue). Sitting in a hot tub under the stars with 2 friends I love with all my heart – that was technically free and did my soul a world of good.

i sit here in St. Pete, wondering often how I got here. Why the fuck am I in FL? But I really like my job. i don’t make a lot of money, but it’s fairly decent for the area, I guess. And I get to write. Every single day. Stuff I want to write, stuff I enjoy. Even when I have a moment that I don’t want to write an item, I still do it, still pull through, and then realize that I wrote some pretty good shit anyway. My writing confidence – I was gonna say is up – but really, my writing confidence is not something I have ever really experienced. That keeps me here. Money, food, shoes, spending, depression, not wanting to leave my house – at least I get to write.

I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I ignore the bills I don’t pay. I pay the stuff that keeps a roof over my head, that keeps the lights on, that puts gas in the car so I can get to work, that gives me tv and the internet which would be pure hell to be without – fuckin’ impossible to work from home, connect with people, etc. And I feed the dog. And on Sunday I read the NYTimes. Which I am going to do right now. Skip over all the articles about the financial mess – although hey, at least I am not alone. I hate banks. They have screwed all of us over and they get to keep doing it – this is not humane. I have never been able to afford a house, which might be good since I probably would have trouble with the mortgage, but most of all with the property taxes and insurance, which is where they really get you.

A little over a week from now, I will be a part of history. Not sure if it will make a difference. Might bite me in the ass. I am voting for someone I said I would never vote for. My mom thinks he’s a shady, communist muslin. I don’t know what kind of president he will be, will he get things done, will he go back on all his promises as most of them do, will anyone really allow him to try to implement his most utopian-sounding solutions that will likely not work… but here’s why I am voting for him, and why now I am doing so proudly. He does not want to give any more tax breaks to companies that outsource jobs (i am so tired of reaching India when I need to make a call to a company) while Americans face more unemployment. And, the most important issue for me – universal health care. Hillary tried in 1993 and they shot her down, but I never forgot that she tried to get me insured, and for that I will always be a Hillary supporter. McCain voted to not give more kids insurance. Children. Uninsured. Obama at least wants to. What will happen will happen, it will be what it will be, it is what it is. Is change possible? I don’t believe in my country enough to think so. I don’t believe in the way it has been controlled by rich assholes who just get richer. We had a surplus with Clinton. We have a debt in the trillions now. And I am not better off. My mother is definitely not better off. I wanted to get a good job so i could send her money and help her, just as she has helped me so often. I can’t even do this. I can’t take care of her.

I am just rambling now. But things are really tough. Yesterday when i found out that they had closed my “emergency card’ even as I was paying them more than the minimum, each month, on time – I just about had a panic attack. Everything I pay or buy now is basically cash. The way it should be? Sure. But if you don’t have enough cash, what do you do if there’s an emergency. Not a shoe emergency. Not a “need a present for self” emergency. not an “I’m depressed and want lots of expensive cheese pastries” emergency. A real one. Like contact lenses. Doctor visits. New tires for the car so it doesn’t skid all over the road when it rains. Increases in electric bills just because. And, god forbid, being a crime victim. There is no longer a fall back. There is just a budget that must be made now, and followed, no matter what.

This sucks. Not because I can’t buy any luxuries. Not because I can’t go to Europe on a whim. But because i worry every day. My heart constricts. My breathing is shallow. i have trouble sleeping. And I am scared to check my bank balance – I get panicky when I log in online and hold my breath to see what’s left of my last paycheck. I stare at the list of expenses and just keep thinking WTF? And I don’t need to be more panicky or less healthy. That’s simply I simply and literally cannot afford.

Stuck in a hole I don’t want to be in. Drowning and I really don’t know how to swim. Wondering what will happen but feeling powerless. i am too old for this shit. this is not where I ’should’ be. i fucked up for years and now I am literally paying the price. Except, not really, b/c i can’t afford to do so. how’s that for feeling like a fuckup – for what I did before, and for not being able to clean things up even when I want to take responsibility for the first time ever.

A few months ago i had the most incredible feeling. i actually felt deep in my soul, honestly: I Want to Live. Not “i don’t want to kill myself.” But, I WANT TO LIVE. I am trying. But I am also hibernating, scared and ashamed.  How to live in both worlds? My shallow breathing and chest pains and trouble sleeping have no answers. Just worry. Wondering. Immobility. And the frustration that I want to do better, but now I keep doubting I can. they say money doesn’t buy happiness. i don’t totally believe that. but even if it’s true, it could sure as hell buy peace of mind. And damn, wouldn’t that be the most amazing thing…

the worst thing about facebook 2008, October 24

is seeing all these people from high school on it and getting hit in the face with the fact that they’re all married (and most seem to have kids).

fuckin’ depressing.