Sometimes the Sadness is Overwhelming 2008, September 30

And I can barely breathe. And right now I am sitting at work, and it doesn’t matter that I am not home by myself, that I am surrounded by people right now who actually like me. The sadness is overwhelming. My chest is tight and it’s hard to breathe. And my heart… well, my heart hurts. I know this feeling. I don’t like it, but I know it. I know it all too well.

As my coworker just said… 2008, September 29

Financial Armageddon.

We are so screwed. Oh well, I don’t pay off my debt anyway. I’m waiting for the goddamn government to come bail me out.

I actually have a decent job and I seriously live paycheck to paycheck. I lived in SF, which has a very high cost of living, and I had more money each month on the same salary I make here (I even saved a few thousand in CA).

Getting by day-by-day best as you can should NOT be the norm. Something’s wrong. Very, very wrong.

so apparently… 2008, September 16

spiritually/emotionally i am in a life and death situation. it really is that serious. my therapist really let me have it, in a way. she wan’t mean but she made it very clear that if i succumbed, if i gave up again, i might not survive it. in the sense that i might end up doing something drastic, or end up in miami again and not really living, or even end up in the streets, the way i was ruining things. i am the queen of self-sabotage. i know this. and she said, and i agree, that this almost makes it worse. i KNOW WHAT I AM DOING. and i go ahead and continue and make it worse because of fear and resentment and anger that i need to let go off but that i hold on to, stubbornly, turning everything in on myself. i agree with everything she said. i know this. she just said it aloud. i am full of hatred, and that hatred is toward myself.

i said that i just got too hard. she said, so what. things happens and it might get hard at times, but i am perfectly capable, i just tell myself i am not. i still want someone to come in and take care of me (and that is very hard for me to let go of, since no one ever really took care of me when i needed it, when it was my right as a child, when i needed support and guidance and love). it is hard not fell unlovable when as a kid that’s all you feel. so you start to feel that there is something inherently wrong with you. i have FELT THIS MY ENTIRE LIFE. that IT IS ME and i am so fucked up. what is my purpose? i have none. why am i here? i have no idea.

i suffer, greatly, every day. and i guess that is what i have to fight. i can’t just give up because in one way or another it will kill me. IT WILL KILL ME. and i just sit here and still think, it’s too hard, i can’t do it, no one cares, no one can help me, why do i have to do it alone like i have always had to do everything alone…etc.

i am totally fucking myself over. and good. and my therapist was harsh and said that is inherently evil. to know better and to be so mean, to keep myself down, to deprive the world of what i have to offer (that one’s hard to believe), is inherently evil. and pretty much, how dare i. i have the opportunity to make this work, to grow up, to be responsible, to reach my higher self instead of going lower and lower and giving the lowest part of me all the power. and i keep squandering it. on purpose. and that’s what makes it really bad. knowing better and fucking up on purpose.

the slap in the face was much needed. it comes from a place of love and caring. things that i never allow myself to take in. take no love in (because after all, what love is there to take in anyway – none!). hiding away more. building my fortress again. hiding in the dungeon with the rats and thinking that is what i deserve. (and it is incredible hard to believe otherwise.) I feel like i have been a total fuckup all my life, so how can i change now? any good qualities that people see in me, well, they don’t really know what’s under the surface. i make people laugh, i help people out…so what? i can be kind and generous and supportive. but so what? where is the laughter and help and kindness and support for me? i have said over and over again, how come everyone does better. everyone gets to live out what i want, and i am always left out of it. (and how the hell am i supposed to not believe that when all i see is concrete evidence that proves it to me every day, every hour, every minute.)

so here i am. wherever that is. knowing what i have to do. and a huge part of me just says, why. it’s not worth the effort. because a few months ago i wanted to be better and i wanted to live and i wanted to be responsible and nothing changed, did it? and so i ate and ate and ate, to the point that the food doesn’t taste remotely good anymore, it actually tastes like crap, so i have to force feed myself junk food and fattening food. i mean, how royally fucked up is that? but it’s a great excuse. and another way of creating that barrier.

i find myself even irrationally disappointed by my dog. why doesn’t she give puppy kisses? oh, it must be b/c something is wrong with me. she follows me around and is happy to see me, but that’s only b/c she is bored and she needs me to walk her. but, no comfort. no puppy kisses. why? well, it must be my fault b/c of who i am!

it feels insurmountable to get rid of those thoughts that have been who i am for so long. i grew up feeling unloved and worthless. and that’s the life i led, always feeling that way no matter what my age. holding on to the only “truth” i knew – unlovable, messes everything up, no one wants me or ever will, and i am a complete failure. i have believed that with every cell in my body. so how do i generate something different? especially when i have to or i WILL DIE.

and doesn’t all of this make me sound like even more of a fuckup. doesn’t this kind of shit talk leave me more alone? doesn’t it sound like self pity and bullshit? oh woe is me, i am in pain and loneliness and i have been my whole life. boo hoo. boo hoo, get over it. but i doubt anyone really understands how hard it is to “let go” of what has defined me for over 25 years. for a lifetime.

now i feel embarrassed and full of it. i don’t fucking know how to do this. i don’t fucking know how to take care of myself without getting too scared and then fucking up again. i don’t trust myself to take care of myself. i don’t trust myself to be healthy or normal or financially responsible or even gainfully employed 9even as i get praised for my work). i don’t trust myself not to fuck up. i am really damn good at it. and when you are damn good at ONE thing and do that ONE thing the best, well…

i am angry. so angry. at myself. and i’ve been taking it out on me for years. all the anger at others, then i made sure i turned it inward as i blame myself for every single thing (for being mistreated as child, for giving up the college of my dreams, for always going back to fat and fatter, and most of all, for never having anyone want to truly love me and have boys just love me on the surface and then leave. that’s what people so. leave. and it is all my fault.) everything is my fault 9even if it isn’t…everything is my fault).

i feel too old to really make things right. so what if i finally get things right. then i am just an old person trying to find happiness at an age where you start to decline. when happiness, if you don’t have it, has already passed you by. when you have failed and faltered so many times, that it’s just not going to get better. and no matter what, you will never ever ever ever ever get the love you want.

what’s the point? saving my life.

why? i’m still trying to figure that one out.

Ferguson’s monologue 2008, September 11

If I hadn’t already decided to vote, last night’s monologue by Craig Ferguson would probably have changed my mind. I mean, he did say that if you don’t vote you’re a moron. And I don’t want Craig to think of me as a moron! (Since I love him and think he’s hot. And oh yeah, I also have a lot of respect for him.) And he said that a “non-vote” is NOT a vote, which made me think of that position that I held for so long.

The best thing about his monologue, though, is that Craig is genuine. He means his words seriously. He doesn’t insult. he doesn’t lecture. He speaks from the heart. And he manages to entertain while making you think.

And that was his point: Think. Vote.

head hurts. among other things… 2008, September 10

i was late to work today b/c…

• i woke up with a headache
• made me cranky
• walked the dog later in the morning so it was brighter and not the scary dark
• tried on like 10 outfits; nothing looked good
• messed up a little on my makeup in my right away so just went with a “smudged/messy/smoky eye” look
• feeling really pissed. in general. for reasons known and unknown.
• am having problems with the dog. after 3 months of behaving well, she has decided that knocking the trash can over, removing the lid, and dispersing its contents is the best game ever
• she gets bored now. i think b/c fridays are so exciting for her. i wish i could afford to take her to daycare more.
• feel pissed that company is dicking us around with the telecommuting option. it will happen, but it’s already a month late. and it’s supposed to start the day i come back to work after a couple of days off, so i know it would be stupid for me to start that way.
• i now feel stupid most of the time.
• i drink too much coffee but don’t know what else to do.
• last night my dinner was a cup of Easy Mac and almost an entire box of rosemary/olive oil snack crackers. and that was nutritional compared to the pecan bun the day before.
• am hating my body more than ever. serious, intense hatred. and then i hate myself for getting this way.
• nothing fits. this adds to me being late to work. everything just says, ugh, you are so disgustingly obese. i’m on my 30th year of a weight problem and yo-yo’ing.
• was looking at my portraits on flickr. i used to look good. now i hate taking photos.
• the other day i had a dream that i was pregnant. i kept touching my belly. and then i realized that there was no way i could be pregnant. and i really really wanted to be. and so i was heartbroken in the dream. that there was no way i was pregnant. (and pregnancy dreams mean good things are coming into fruition.) so basically, i was disappointed, frustrated, unable to do anything about it, and stuck. man, my dreams are awesome!
• i still fear losing my job. i feel i am not going to complete certain things or do things wrong and i will get in trouble. this has not happened. part of me says “yet”.
• i feel lazier. i feel bad b/c this week i have felt drained and out of sorts and yucky in general and i think i haven’t been a very good dog parent. go for the trash can, belle. i can’t blame you.
• right now, things kinda suck. and it is All My Fault.