Having just witnessed history… 2008, August 28

OK. I’LL VOTE.

shitshitshitshitshit 2008, August 27

i missed a chance to meet nate berkus this morning. my coworker friends finally found a way to text me, i ran over (literally ran), but i was too late. i missed the adorableness that is nate. (i truly adore his talent.) just in case, i looked around this afternoon, with his decorating book in hand and everything and a permanent marker in my bag. and the lady at the podium said, oh, he’s not here for the afternoon session of this like he was this morning, even though he is here at the company today.

he’s probably just showing up at the room i just left.

Sore throat, Sore stuff 2008, August 27

Sucks.

Some kind of cold is going around my team. I woke up in the middle of the night with very swollen glands. I have had a sore throat for 2 days now and this morning I had a congestion headache. And it’s not like I can stay home.

SInce the company has split from the parent company, I’m a little freaked out. especially because I need more work to do. My productivity leavel is low but that’s because I need new things directly assigned to me. I am going to request to share my favorite category. I sit here worrying about getting laid off. It is a natural fear for me, the idea of getting fired. Thing is, I’m pretty good at my job. But last week I made my first mistake. I feel awful about it and to me it is a huge deal. One mistake in over 3 months, maybe that’s sorta ok. But it’s not acceptable. I can’t read my boss on it. The vibe around here seems nervous now. But I have berated myself for days.

I am obsessed, and have been generally forever, witht he idea of home. Every weekend I try to “finish” the apt but I keep not being satidfied with it. There’s probably some underlying issue here of being able to create home, feeling at home, etc. The “break in” in May did a huge number on me and I have not recovered at all. I like my new place, it is pretty. But I now am wary about the neighborhood (who goes up to someone’s front porch and takes their folded beach chair which is not visible from the street? Oh yeah, probably one of my scummy neighbors.) Very mixed surroundings and of course I was stubborn to stay in the area what with Starbucks a couple of blocks away. Irony: I don’t even go to that Starbucks.

Plus, moving only 2 blocks away from the scene of the crime that I cannot help but think about every single day…well, that means I see my old dwellings daily, either driving by the back avenue or a bit from far away (but not too far) when I am walking the dog.

And the dog. I do love the dog. But she just sheds and sheds and sheds no matter what I do – huge masses of black fur. And she won’t learn any commands except “leave it.” She will “stay” for a while but if I am out of her sight for a second, she must follow me. I had to put a harness on her because try as I might, Belle cannot walk on a leash without pulling. her pet store “dog trainer” dude quit unexpectedly without even telling the store (just disappeared) and Belle wasn’t learning a thing, so I got a prorated refund yesterday. I have been lucky and spoiled that harley is truly a genius dog who learns things in seconds, follows every command, and is simply put the smartest dog I have ever seen. Also, when I take Belle to the dog park (where she rather hang out with me than with other dogs) there is n adorable Boston terrier named Susy. This is the kind of dog I wanted before I adopted Belle. It was the first time I was willing to actually buy a dog, but something about when I first saw Bells’ picture told me, I gotta give this dog a home. When I first met her, my inner instinct, which I always mess up if I don’t heed it, told me, uh uh not this one. But there she is in the apt. now. Sleeping on the couch, I am sure. More dog hair.

I continue to eat crap. I have doubled in clothing size (or more) and I am disgusted by my body every single day. At first the food relieved stress and was a comfort. Now I hate the taste of it but I still eat it. Being a fat person can make you invisible, and I guess I still fear the “real world” out there. Mid 2004 to the end of 2006 did such a number on me, that it is a fear that still pops up and is something I carry. There are times I have been able to push through, overcome, and move forward. But it’s still there. Can’t get rid of the hurt and pain because I just never forget them. That’s just impossible – to forget how many times I curled on the floor and wailed, alone and defeated and broken. I have lifted myself, but those times are still in my memory, part of my cellular makeup at this point.

And of course, the endless question of now what? I guess endlessly trying to get the apartment “just right” keeps me occupied. I don’t go out. I am pretty much a hermit. I hate how I look so I don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t even want to go to dinner with my friends because they will see how I have ballooned even more and it’s all I will think about, even if they don’t (but in my mind I feel that anyone that knows me will just think that and not be able to stop because the evidence is gigantically and flabbily in front of them.)

Talk about hiding. Hermit mode big time. I go nowhere except that I walk the dog and take her to the dog park once in a while. And I run errands. I should just live at WalMart sometimes.

Pretty sad. And I know it. And I have avoided talking to my therapist. I even have a “credit” with her since I paid her ahead of time for our next session. I made that payment a while ago. I have not called or emailed and am not sure I will. How pathetic on my part.

I hate feeling stuck. And here I am stuck, even as it is of my own doing. It’s hard to get excited about anything anymore. I kept wondering whay I was so glad that September is coming. I hate the holiday season which pretty much starts hitting you in the fall. And then I realized that it’s because TV shows will be back. And somehow I have made that the thing to look forward to.

back to work, for however long. I hate instability. I hate not having a plan or some sort of direction. And most of all, I hate the hopelessness that has befallen me, the disappointment, and most of all the sad resignation that well, I guess this is it.

I’m tired of trying to try.

So much for change 2008, August 24

“In picking Sen. Joe Biden to be his running mate, Barack Obama sought to shore up his weakness — inexperience in office and on foreign policy — rather than underscore his strength as a new-generation candidate defying political conventions.”

So yeah, we knew that was coming. Had to pick someone who knows about foreign policy and has experience in that area. For all his talk of “change,” which has been the big cornerstone of his campaign, and of changing Washington, Obama picks someone who has been in the Senate even longer than McCain. Makes sense. Especially since that big lead we were all expecting Obama to have is kinda not there. Will the democrats once again fuck up the huge opportunity they have to take back the white house? We have the most unpopular and stupidest president in history. In office for 8 long years in which we have seen our country basically go to shit: recession, unemployment, foreclosures, gas prices, outrageous deficit, no health care plan, no focus on real education and helping students and teachers, no separation of church and state, and, of course, there’s that little illegal war thing.

It should be a no-brainer to hand the presidency to a democrat now. Besides, that’s how it seems to work. A couple of terms for a rep, then a dem, then a rep…now it should be out turn again. Damn, especially with McCain being so old and out of touch (I’m stuck on the fact that he couldn’t answer how many homes he has. He has a bunch so he can’t keep track apparently. But seriously, who doesn’t know how many houses they have? An old man who doesn’t get it, that’s who.)

What I am doing in this election mortifies me. I would look at someone taking my position with extreme disgust. And yet I feel I have no choice. Unfortunately, the only way I can express my position this November is by not voting at all. i am throwing away that privilege. At the same time, it is my statement. I don’t like these people. Of course I must prefer that the democrats take over. It would be a huge mistake to have McCain in office. But for the life of me, i cannot bring myself to vote for Obama. I cannot vote against my conscience and my beliefs. I can “betray” the party or I can “betray” myself. The party was extremely shitty to Floridians, out of pettiness. They upset tons of us by telling us basically that our votes don’t count anyway, that our voices don’t mean a thing. i can counter their own pettiness with not giving them my vote. (I’m talking to you Howard Dean, supreme asshole.)  but it’s not about pettiness. I really cannot stand Obama. And I said it a million times, the only way he would get my vote is if he had picked Hillary to be his VP or he could promise that she would have some sort of vital role in his administration.

It pisses me off that I said early last year that I was gonna go out there and be a part of the democratic campaign as much as possible so that I could do my part to take back the white house from these crazy people who have no regard for human life. Who couldn’t care less about the average American. And yet here I am not participating. I have never contributed financially to a campaign before until Hillary was running. I had never worn a tshirt with a candidate’s name. I had never put up a campaign sign. I haven’t put a sticker on my car (which remains there). i even wanted to go to the national convention. it wasn’t for nothing. Hillary was and is an inspiration, and I would proudly support her again.

Anyway, so now we have an Obama/Biden ticket. Now I’m the one who can barely care. There is nothing exciting about this. The momentum of change and hope are gone. Same shit, different side of the campaign. I don’t know a lot about Biden. But from the bit I have read, here’s my favorite part

In a 2007 ABC interview, “Biden said he would stand by an earlier statement that Obama was not ready to serve as president.”

Well, Joe, at least we agree on something.

Writer Profile 2008, August 20

We’re creating an Intranet site for our dept at work. Writer profiles are part of it, with the questions based on the ones used in those cool AmEx magazine ads. This is what I wrote.

1. Proudest moment

Caring for my cousin Jordyn during the summers when she was 1 year old and 2 years old. I was amazed by how good I am at it and how much I enjoyed every second with her. We created an amazing bond and those are days I will never forget.

 

2. #1 Indulgence

Spending, especially travel. I’ve taken impulsive trips to Europeto sightsee, go to a specific concert or to celebrate the new year. Travelling abroad is something I give myself permission to do, even when I can’t afford it. C’est la vie. From the simplest moment to the grandest adventure, these trips and experiences are snapshots in time for me that will exist forever. Something about that makes it worth it.

 

3. Most profound inspiration

Words. The written word, of course. But most of all, music lyrics. They have a poetry all their own that speaks to me like nothing else. A song can change my mood, bring back a memory, energize me, make me think, and make me cry—sometimes all at once. A song gets into my system and makes me feel. And that connection is what inspires me most.

 

4. Life soundtrack

Damien Rice = enough said. The melodies of this Irish singer-songwriter play in my head all the time. (However, I must note that the soundtrack to my teen years was George Michael.) Both of these have been part of my travel/concert indulgences.

 

5. The perfect day

Sitting in an outdoor café somewhere in Europe, in cool, sunny weather, reading a good book, while sipping a perfect café au lait, and people watching as I enjoy the sights and sounds of a different world.