resentment… 2008, May 5

that’s not good, right? eat you up and stuff? from the inside? well, that would be somewhat beneficial if it would help me lose all the extra weight i have been carrying. nothing like major stress to put on the pounds. i am so tired of that ride.

back to resentment, then i must let it go. but … here’s a correction to an earlier whiny bday post. there are actually 4, likely 5 people i wanted to hear from, that i did not. one is excused. one is involved in the fuckin’ family mess that started last fall and basically has me in a lovely disowned position. so those make sense.

the other 3, though, are male. same 2 i mentioned before plus 1 i realized (and when i realized it, wow, it stung). to the one i recently realized, today’s your bday; at least i’m thinking of you. and to the other 2. for one, i specifically asked you to please get in touch b/c bdays are hard for me and i could use a little hello, but, as usual, you flaked, and all i can say is: asshole. you’ve been pulling the same shit for years and years. and to the other one, the only one who might read this… i can’t believe you didn’t wish me a happy birthday. i mean, i can believe it, sure, but it would have been a nice thing, and it still smarts (i can’t help it) and stupid, stupid me still wanted to get a bday wish. yes, of course, i am asking too much. as usual. but i can’t help it. i still wanted your initial at the bottom of … / happy birthday. [thank you for the belated initial]

so, that’s that. anxiously waiting to find out about the job (to the point that i had anxiety all night, weird dreams, and just generally feel yucky). finally changing my vids to vimeo (but they have a weekly limit). and trying to figure out how NOT to eat when i am this stressed out. i have one more zombie movie in my collection that i haven’t seen. maybe that’ll help.

i’m so not enjoying this self pity. but disappointment keeps nudging me, taunting me. loneliness engulfs me and has made me cry. i can’t stand being this alone, even as i enclose myself b/c i just don’t know any different, because i am too ashamed and embarrassed and scared and feel so very helpless when it comes to not being alone. UGH. fuckin’ self pity. i seriously LOATHE it.

i am so, so tired of being scared.