Just in case willie nelson reads this 2008, April 30

Lady Love changes signs today, and hearts forego the heady rush of Aries for the natural ease of Taurus. What is love? For Taurus, love is obvious, unpretentious and true. Love is reliable, uncomplicated. We’re romanced by creature comforts, proving love is a quality of appreciation and presence.

IF APRIL 30 IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: You’ve always known that you deserved the finer things in life, and this year you can afford to give yourself some of them. You’re figuring out your niche. Loved ones who know you well have told you for some time now about your strengths, but you had to come to it on your own. Investments in June pay in December. Gemini and Libra adore you. Your lucky numbers are 9, 25, 1, 16 and 42.

even better than i had read it was 2008, April 28

just saw a clip of prince playing ‘creep’ at coachella.

fuckin’ brilliant.

dissociative loneliness 2008, April 28

i feel pretty high today. which, of course, feels kinda awesome. but i don’t know why i’ve felt high. i had coffee. i had food. i had my regular meds and vitamins. that’s it.

and then i think i figured it out. i think all the worry and stress and feeling of not being rooted, secure, or having a sense of some stability has caused me to enter into one of those dissociative states. see, i keep being aware of this stuff! it’s not exactly an out-of-body experience but i am certainly not rooted to my self. things are spacy. things are hazy not like the haziness that sometimes comes with depression. this is the protective part. still have feelings and emotions and all that, but lessened. and wait, actually, not always there. i am not, i guess, present. i am floating.

way to sound like a crazy girl, right? but i know some people know what i am talking about. even that rockstar i used to sorta follow around recently stated that he had had these identity issues and this feeling of not being connected to anything and how weird it was and then he went to a doctor who finally diagnosed him with being in the midst of a dissociative disorder. it doesn’t even surprise, how i can relate, it shall be the curse that this music and people will end up following me. (not paranoia. metaphor, ok?)

so here i am. floaty. spacy. enjoying it b/c it means being devoid of pain or loneliness, of not really being present and feeling that stuff. it’s what i need to do, i know that. you face it, you deal, you come out of it. but my body has decided to protect itself today. at least for now. there was way too much emotional crap yesterday. it’s not a conscious decision, this dissociative thing. it just happens. looking back on my life after i heard about what this is, i can see where i went into this state before. nothing new. now i just know what it is and why it happens (it comes up in ‘heightened’ times).

anyway, i’m about to read a pema article (6 kinds of loneliness) that kvg sent me. in printing it, i have only read the first line. i’ve always liked pema even though it’s not been my forte to practice what she preaches. :) but here’s the first line, and it is good…

To be without a reference point is the ultimate loneliness. It is also called enlightenment.

It’s been 2 weeks i think 2008, April 28

but it feels like a lot more. i tell myself 2 weeks is not that long. and it may seem insane that i am freaking out over the timeline. but i was told i’d likely hear back over a week ago.

so, still no news from the job i want. i try to tell myself that no news is good news, but every day i check my email expecting the worse. i nervously refresh the page. phone call means yes you got the job. email basically is a nicely-worded f.u.

with the time passing i get this image of them interviewing other people and liking them. and maybe they like me, too, and i still get to be in the running. but i need them to like me more. i need to win the flip of the coin. i need to come out on top of rock, paper, scissors. or whatever method plays out nowadays.

this is the only job in the basket at the moment. after almost 4 months of actively searching for a job and applying and all that, i’ve landed 3 interviews (complete with phone, in-person, and tests). i keep reading how many more jobs are lost in this country every month, with tens of thousands of people losing their jobs as companies downsize or deal with the recession or whatever. not the best news for someone who wants 1 job when every day there are more and more people out there who need employment.

what to do? this has been wrecking havoc on my mind, my emotions, my trying to not freakout. oh, i’ve freaked. more than once. i’ve cried. and alternately made myself numb. and i sit here needing some essential groceries without any motivation to get in the truck and go. and yet my nails are painted and my legs are shaved and it’s like i am going moment to moment, but weirdly, doing whatever comes to mind that might help me at that exact minute. my legs are smooth, but i would now like to put them in an outfit and go to my job, please. even though nothing fits anymore. so i look like shit. whatever. just need a job before everything collapses, most of all me.

i’m trying to not drown here. i seriously need some sort of miracle here. i need some cooperation from the universe. i need this job no matter what. i need help to get my life sorted out and not even ‘back’ on track but i guess ‘on track’ for the first time ever in my adult life.

oh well. at least there’s a new Gossip Girl on tonight. so once again i’ll escape into my tv, movie, and celebrity fantasies. they’re just cooler than me getting up every day and just wondering what to do and feeling scared and guilty and freaked out and in denial and then trying to be positive and then freaking out again and then trying to lose myself in a book and then watching a movie in the middle of the day and then often inevitably falling asleep even though i absolutely hate naps and always have and then waiting for the sun to set b/c even though it’s something i wanted, these days my apt feels too sunny.

help please. universe, please help me. bring me this job. i promise to try and make it all work out. but i need help. i need really really really good news. i need to hear this job officially offered to me and my accepting it. i need this to happen. i need this.

always said i wouldn’t do this 2008, April 27

but i am actually on facebook now. i’m way too old for it and on wednesday i’ll definitely be past the appropriate age to be on there and not be the loser chick trying to pretend she is not old. but she is, b/c she went on there with the sole intent of playing scrabulous. but then somehow i got addicted to pieces of flair. even made a few of my own. watch, next up i’ll be taking all those silly quizzes.