my downstairs neighbors had a major fight at 4am last night. door slamming, lots of pounding, baby crying, baby momma hyperventilating and threatening to move out, threatening to ‘call the police on yo ass’ and baby daddy yelling, ‘where my keys at, bitch?’ obvs, baby daddy came home smelling like…you know…
but i’ve never had this so close to me. it was the first time i was really like, goddamn, what did i get myself into living here? i could be living somewhere cleaner, newer, safer… in the one of these things is not like the other one of these things does not belong category, that would me. me=anomaly. shit, i already look like the ‘rich’ tenant which is beyond laughable. i am the normal tenant. but also, i have no job, my car is not new, i have ridiculous bills i cannot pay, and i don’t know how much longer i can survive like this.
which of course, means that even though i have been doing mentally remarkably well considering setbacks and shit, like not getting that job, like my computer dying, like not being able to eat right all the time, like wanting to spend money even more when i don’t have it, and oh yeah, that nice big gash on my head… i’ve been ok. i’ve been upset, sure, of course. but then i have sorta bounced back in a way that surprised me. i didn’t expect that.
however, what i felt last night and this morning… well now, that’s what i expect. alternately i feel like shit, dizzy, sad, scared, nauseous, overwhelmed, desperately alone, depressed, anxious, terrified, and like i am totally blowing it. welcome back, g! there are a couple of reasons i know this stuff has come up yesterday and today. i get that. but also i am i danger of going into paralysis regarding the whole work thing. when i didn’t get that job, i was crushed, and then i was angry. but now i can’t find anything to even apply to. i am going to have to buck up and take my master’s degree off my resume and get a simple job somewhere or go from temp job to temp job (which makes me more anxious than i could ever properly explain). i was so much more confident as i was getting ready to move here and as i got here. i was sending out resumes and applying to stuff and i was sure that it was all gonna work out. after all, this was the first time i was really like, ok, this is what i do and i’m gonna rock at it and i am not going to sell out or pretend i am an idiot.
so what happens at the point that i do have to sell out? that i do feel like an idiot? it wears at me. but it also wears on my progress. b/c here i am tackling an issue of my life (the working thing) in a positive way, with a positive attitude, with interest, with confidence, with actually wanting to get a good job, not just any job. actually wanting a job versus hating that i have to go get one. here i am ready and willing and i get doors slammed or silence. that will wear anyone down, really. i tell myself that. and i tell myself that this is really an awful time to be looking for a job. and also how many of the jobs i see posted are obviously 2 or 3 jobs rolled into one, some sort of cost-cutting thing where there is one less salary one miserable employee who can’t do a great job because, oh yeah, it’s impossible. i don’t want to be that miserable employee, but if someone wants me to be, then i’ll go ahead and do it. but nope. nothing.
so i get really scared about how i am going to survive. and when i am scared, i eat. and shop. and those things cost money. and i don’t have any. and i could lie down and be miserable, but i am too antsy for that. and besides, i only want to do that right now if i can have a pile of chocolate pastries next to me.
i am observing. checking my feelings and reactions. this is the most important thing i can do. but it’s not enough. i gotta have things in motion or i will stagnate. i cannot give up. i cannot back down. i cannot NOT do this. i cannot NOT grow up. i cannot NOT CREATE THE LIFE I WANT…but right now everything tells me or shows me that is impossible and never ever going to happen. and man, that sucks. true or not, it sucks to even feel it for a second. i rather done rip my head open every day than rip my heart or mind or emotions.
i don’t want to rip anything.
but i am scared that the threads are coming loose.
i’m also finding the local popo number b/c I will call the police on someone’s ass if a 4am cliche scene plays out again.
