- i woke up fairly early this morning, the sun was just rising. i went downstairs to get my ny times. when i live in apts i am always paranoid that someone will take my paper but the odds of that happening in this particular abode are, um, slim.
- i woke up feeling awful. again. i think it’s mostly a combination of eating only bread and sugar products 24/7 plus having a lot of anxiety over finances. every day instead of getting more motivated to look for a job, i get more and more scared and freaked out. i’m supposed to look for and get a job “in spite of” my fears and doubts. but it gets harder every day, every hour, every minute. it’s never not on my mind, i never feel not scared, i always feel guilty, and that’s the least of it. i keep bumping into things and tripping and hitting myself on accident (latest was hitting myself in the mouth with a drill, with the actual drill bit part; i just sighed). and the chest tightness and pains, wow, aren’t those fun? i get to wake up with them and feel them all day long! and then they make me more anxious and i kinda want to cry but i can’t (physically can’t plus am trying not to give into it). sucks.
i am scared i am not going to make it and no one really understands that. i have been reminded that i haven’t really been in “the real world” in 2 years. but that awareness doesn’t pay my rent, and won’t pay it when i am unable to pay it in a month. and how do i cope? bagel and pastries that lead to pants that no longer fit. and of course, some shopping which means wasting the little money i do have (yes, the most illogical of all). these are my 2 crutches and i am leaning on them heavily. i should not. i really should not. and yet…
- last night my neighbor knocked on my back door at 12:03 am. he had missed what he called the ‘midnight run’ which is i guess the last chance to buy a beer at a store on sat night. so he was hoping i was still up (he did knock softly) and asked me if i drank beer and if he could buy one from me. i gave him a beer, free of course, and i bet you it’s the first time he’s had one of the irish beers that i drink. i’ll have to ask him how he liked it. still, no one has ever knocked on my door at midnight looking to buy beer.
- yesterday i went to a BPD seminar in sarasota. i heard the organizers talking afterward about how someone in the audience, who has bpd, left a note saying she wasn’t getting anything out of the conference and she was going to go home and kill herself. the reaction? yep, that’s a borderline for you! (nice) and this is from the ‘good people.’
- there is nothing on tv to the point that i am sadly watching the Lifetime Movie Network. it is pathetic.
- i applied to exactly one job last week. i have so far received zero response. again.
- i am running out of time. i know i have to just bite the bullet and get any job out there, even if it’s something i hate or makes me miserable! how’s that for motivation? i have to dumb down, i have to let go of what i feel i am worth at the exact moment when i have finally for the first time ever actually thought i am worth something. it isn’t fair. i’m going to think positive and be confident and apply for jobs that i deserve and then nothing happens. more than nothing. that stupid job i didn’t get really did a number on me. it killed whatever confidence i had left, i took it personally with good reason, and it’s the one job that i really wanted and seemed like the perfect fit. everyone says, you’ll get a job. but everyone doesn’t get it and they are just saying what people say. very hard to get a job when it is becoming increasingly difficult to get even minor things done. i can’t fall into this trap again. i am fighting, i really am. i know i need to fight harder. but the fear overwhelms me. i am so mentally drained that last week i kept falling asleep at all hours of the day even though i didn’t want to and i would get up and drink caffeine to stay awake. this happens when things overwhelm me. i swear it’s starting to happen right now. oh great, i am boring myself.
- a perk of being unemployed is getting to go to the beach whenever i want. the downside is the huge, enormous, overwhelming sense of guilt attached to that. i should be doing something else. i should at the very least try to be doing something else. i owe it to more than myself. i am tired of getting these bouts when i feel like a failure and i have nothing to tell myself to prove otherwise. pity table, party of one.
the bad thoughts are coming. i am fighting them with all my might. it’s not easy. i am at least fighting, likely stronger than i ever have. but that doesn’t get me employed, money flow, or take away any fear that i will be unable to afford my apt in a month.
my chest really hurts.
