Why I now intensely dislike “PostSecret” 2007, September 30

It used to be one of my favorite sites. I sent in like 6 postcards (not at the same time). They were serious. They were about how being heartbroken made me feel. How I feared I was mentally ill. How I didn’t believe time made anything better. They had pictures or collages and clear words. And most of all, they were true. But they were never ever published. And of course, me being me, I totally take that personally. Rejection. Especially when some of what is posted is so obviously fake, people writing shit to see if it gets posted. And it does. And those of us who could really benefit from our secrets being there, on a site where someone thought they were important, where other people can see how I feel/felt…where are we in all this. I know I am not the only one upset about this. And I know I “shouldn’t be.” But I am. I’ve stopped sending secrets. Which means I keep them inside and rarely tell anyone. Which is the opposite of why the site was started. But like I said, I take rejection and being ignored really, really personally. That’s my issue, I realize it. But it still pisses me off.

5 2007, September 27

Grey’s Anatomy just finished. How I lived without this show for a whole summer is beyond me. Because damn. Damn. Same as always. Those last 5 minutes. Always those last 5 minutes. Always, literally, bring tears to my eyes.

Welcome to the new tv season. Let the catharsis begin. Catharsis, now back on Thursdays.

Good thing I record the show. Because my other tradition is to rewatch the ending a few times. Because I always seem to need those minutes. I seem to need those tears. I seem…to need.

Things 2007, September 27

Was collecting more, of these, today, initially, but thoughts are hazy this week and it takes me a whole day to get one thing done. I always collect quotes. Have margins and pages in notebooks with scribbled lines, underlined passages in books, lyrics written on a scrap piece of paper… Nowhere collected, just floating about or lost or thrown away, somewhere else now, something else now.

Today. Why these today? Because I’ve been sad. God, that sounds so lame. But sad, yes. A few reasons here and there, some deeper reasons that I do not even know about because I have been so refusing to go there, pretending they’re not poking at me, scratching me, trying to be seen, heard, let out. Nope. And there’s another reason, but it’s A Big Stupid One (ABSO). And I know it’s ABSO. And if I told anyone they would tell me it’s ABSO. But just knowing it’s ABSO and knowing everyone else in the world would think it’s ABSO, well, doesn’t make it go away.

Today:

• It can be hard to articulate sometimes, the things we carry with us, the things that break us apart.
• It’s like you have these feelings, of love toward someone, and you think the feelings are leading you to something secure and safe, to a place for you to grow and be sheltered from the world, and instead, you get this.
• You might be damaged but you are not broken. Don’t forget that.
• I am crying with you. I am crying for you. I am crying.

  Are you feeling so abandoned?
  Have your crutches all been stolen and broken?
  Now sometimes you’ve got to fall
  Just to remember how far from the bottom you are. (the frames)

Or Your Life… 2007, September 22

I was listening to the Once soundtrack in the car this morning, very very very early, earlier than I like or am used to getting up (try: sun? not visible yet). And on the drive back (sun=visible) I was thinking of the movie again as I was listening to The Frames. And I wondered if anyone involved ever imagined the success of the film. I mean, not monetarily, but in other ways. Like in glowing review after glowing review atop glowing review after glowing review. Because I seriously have never seen that before.

But more than that, I wondered if they ever imagined that what they created was pretty much magical. A movie. A work of art. A story. Told through music. Yes, all of that. But it has connected with people in a way I haven’t seen a movie do in forever. I have seen it 5x at the movies and each time I have had to go out of my way to see it, but each time it was worth it. How can I watch a movie 5x in like 2 months and not get tired of it? Because it is that good. That special. That meaningful. That magical.

I was checking bloglines this morning (sun still visible) and came across dooce recommending the movie. And so there’s one more person. And I’ve talked to people after showings, and they’ve seen it repeatedly too. Or if it’s the first time they see it, they want to see it again. And now Glen and Mar are famous and sell out shows by themselves in NYC and they have people like me waiting for them outside a venue because I simply MUST tell them how beautiful their movie is. And getting the chance to tell both of them was pretty amazing.

Anyway, on my mind today ’cause of the soundtrack, other music, movie musings, and then that blog post. It read:

If I were you I’d go out right now and see the movie Once, no matter how far you have to drive or how many subway stops it takes to get there or who you have to pay to babysit. It could quite possibly turn your week around just like it did mine.

Week? Yes. Life? Maybe.

Favorite. Movie. Ever.

In a better place 2007, September 14

I am visiting one of my bestest friends ever in St. Pete, FL at the moment. And I feel so accepted and taken care of here that this is truly a vacation from my life.

I posted before that “he wrote” and then ‘i wrote back” and “he replied” and then “i did” and well, of course, that’s that. I am an idiot for expecting more communication. It brought back a lot of memories and hurt and when I got the first message all I could do for a while was just stare at his name in my inbox. It had been a long time. The last emails had not ended well at all. I was scared. Not only about what he had to tell me, but how it would all affect me. I did better than expected, but I still have to get tabs on me, because no matter what, I still find myself wanting more. And I cannot fall into that trap. And at the same time, paradoxically, I am ok with not getting more, soon or later or ever. It’s his deal now, not mine. And it only took me 3 years to accept that!

I have burned as many bridges as I had before and in many, many, many ways it’s like I am starting (or have to start, in small steps) my life all over again. What a pain in the ass that is. But at least I am trying. It’s hard to even admit that.