spent yesterday at the beach. because really, how could i pass up that opportunity on my bday. of course, i had to force myself to leave the house. glad i did.
then i bought a lot of alcohol and thought, ok, let’s drink lots of margaritas. oh so sad to be drinking alone on your bday, but hey, no other choice. so there i was having flashbacks to my sf days when i would drink these nightly, pound down at least 3 pint-size margies and usually the 4th one that put me over the edge. i would wake up the next morning with coarse salt on my kitchen counter. and then i’d go to work.
well, the me i am turning into now only drank 2 margaritas. i could hold the liquor but i actually didn’t want any more. this pisses me off a little but i guess it is progress, not turning to one of my escapist behaviors especially on the day i have the most conflicted emotions about it. like xmas, i never look forward to it, but then when it actually gets here i have this ridiculously childish glee about it, mostly because i really want a cool surprise, and then of course, it doesn’t happen. this is the pattern. i heard from people i wouldn’t necessarily hear from yesterday (partly thanks to facebook) but, and there always is a but, my mailbox was empty without a single bday card (OUCH). and the 2 people i wanted to hear from the most, well, they (male, of course) didn’t bother. i didn’t dwell on that, but still, it saddened me. is it too much to want an email from them? it takes a minute. and while i am getting better at this taking it personally stuff, how can i not take this one personally? how could i not feel unimportant and forgotten? i’m happy, truly, with everyone that remembered and was nice. still… still i wanted to hear from 2 guys specifically, and there was nothing from them.
so, it was a quiet day. as usual, a day that scares the fuck out of me. i keep turning the same age for 4 years now. that’s just how i am rolling with that. every bday, with every new number, i can’t help but think of where i should be in life, the things i should have accomplished, the things i should have. that’s idiotic and dangerous territory; there are no shoulds and i realize that. still… still… not the easiest thing to deal with. i know, just let the thoughts go. but there is so much more that i want. (though i was thinking yesterday, not for the first time, that sometimes i want something really badly and i am so scared of not getting it, but i am also so scared of getting it. note to universe: this absolutely does NOT apply to possible job opportunity for that job i really want). i did this, i am where i am, i wish i had figured this out sooner so maybe i could at least have more ‘young’ years to deal with this and not find myself at the brink of the greatest fear of my life. that sounds fatalistic; it’s really not meant to. but it does get harder, as i age, to get the things i want, and that’s something else that scares me. i try to accept it. but i want more. but to have more, i need to make more happen, need to be proactive and all that. but did i mention that i spent my bday by myself, without cards (at least i got really pretty flowers, from my friend who always always comes through)… what i ate for dinner was a burger from wendy’s. i am ashamed to admit that.
my calendar has “job” written on it for april. like ok, this is the time this will happen. and i did get good news, but nothing is definite and there’s one thing that could fuck it all up. so i actually find myself praying, which isn’t that easy b/c i’m not great with faith and not sure what all i ’should’ believe. so now today i wrote “job” for may. i also wrote “first day of work.” i want it to be true.
rambling on. maybe that happens in old age.
