home is where the… oh shit, where is home again? 2009, May 29

I have been spring cleaning, with the satisfaction of getting rid of clutter and old furniture. Ikea is my bff and I wish i had a huge house so I could decorate it with beautiful painted wall, artwork, and a mix of modern (ikea) and vintage (finds) furniture.

so i’ve been wanting to at least redo my apartment. which is challenging for a renter. i am dying to redo the fireplace but there’s only so much i can change. but i want to redo the mantel and take down the mirror and cover the wall tiles with gorgeous fabric on foam – or something like that. i do not like the color red but i looked around and my living room has brown walls and there are many touches of red in the artwork, candles, etc., so i thought wow, how about a deep red wall? that would be cool.

i want to redo my bathroom around the color scheme of the Nate Berkus towels i bought. which means new paint. i also have an NB fabric curtain. and anything that is white definitely needs a touch up.

i got new chest-o-drawers for the bedroom (inexpensive ones from ikea) that i have yet to build. i got rid of the very old, very cheap ones that were from kmart of all places. i am redoing the bedding. i am decluttering. i’ve redone the closet.

the backroom is a lovely project in the making. attached panels from wire to break it up so there is a little guest/sitting area with coziness now. the rest of the room will lose clutter as soon as i get to it.

can’t do much in the kitchen, but want to do what i can…

i’ve lived there a whole year so it’s not surprising that i want to redecorate. like, i already moved all the living room furniture around. it’s not ssurprising at all that i want to play with color (i finally have a place where i get to play with paint and not stare at white walls). and since i am writing bedding and textiles and am surrounded by colors and patterns, as well as receiving like half a dozen decor magazines a month, and reading lots of sites about decor and crafts and all that… inspiration comes at me from all directions. when i was 18 i briefly considered going to interior design school in NY instead of actual college. i used to have a binder full of room ideas and colors i liked.

However…

The building, like many here. is in foreclosure. Which means I have no real living security. Which is one of the worst things for me to deal with. I’m all about security, all about home, and i still have ptsd from searching for places to live in CA during the boom and having the hardest time finding any place to live — that was intense fear. My whole life I’ve searched for home, for a place of my own. Of course, I can’t afford to buy anything, but i wish i could – just a condo or small townhouse, for security and to create MY OWN space.

Instead of signing another lease, the owners are going month-to-month with me. You know, in case they can’t refinance. They have one of those Freddie Mac/Fannie Mae things and i know those companies were ordered to refinance or something like that. My landlord calls it “refinancing under the Obama plan.”

But things are on hold for me. I don’t want to put time, effort and money into a place that I might lose. (I am in desperate need of a ceiling fan for the bedroom, the hottest room in the house, and i really need summer ventilation in there – but… but… what if…) And the What If isn’t just crazy speculation on my part. The “what if” is all too true. if a place is foreclosed and the bank takes over, renters have NO RIGHTS and lose their apts immediately – stupid banks will let the house sit there empty rather than have income from tenants. i HATE banks.

and What If i have to move? AGAIN??!! because i seriously cannot take it. i can’t imagine packing and going thru the whole process again. i would find a different neighborhood, likely, but where? and i need a pet-friendly place that takes regular dogs and not just teacup ones. and, my god, just the mere possibility of having to go through all of that again… i went through that TWICE last year. i have been so incredibly exhausted lately, and the stress of this makes it much worse.

i don’t sleep all that well. i certainly don’t eat healthy. i am so tired. i actually struggle to keep my eyes open on the 15-minute drive to work, like i had been on a 6-hour road trip or something and it was starting to get dark and i needed to pull over. it’s a really bad sign when i struggle to stay awake for basically 10 miles on the highway. and, yeah, dangerous, too! my shoulder acts up (left over from my SF shoulder injury that never went away 100% and that acts up in times of stress and tension). my eyes – well, they just love their corneal abrasions now, to add to the fun (pain! reduced eye sight! yay!)

i want a place to live that is home and that offers me peace of mind. i want security, as much as it is possible amidst the chaos of the world and particularly these times. i think reliable shelter is a right, and i want to have that right. it’s hard to think of moving yet again without just packing it all up and moving to another city because what the hell is the point of moving yet again to a new place in the same town? my job is what primarily keeps me here. because, well, i actually have one. and i get to officially be a Writer.

i’m a taurus. and i’m a Gisele. and combined, i am a person who HATES uncertainty and loathes when things are completely beyond my control, when i can’t do a single thing about it to make it better. lately i think. well, just move and get it over with. but then i’d likely end up in some blah apartment complex, unable to create a space that is “me,” – and i have a strong need to create my own space, wherever i live. plus, again, the mere thought of the moving… i can’t even think of it.

why do i always end up so displaced?

why am i always looking for home? and why, when i feel i sorta get there – whether it’s a city like SF or Austin, or an apartment like the one i have now, or someone (ahem, there’s only been one) who feels like home to me – do i always lose it?

if i could take out my eyeball for just a moment… 2009, May 5

i totally would. because here we go again with the whole fuckin’ up my cornea fun.

this cornea problem must stop. it is beyond painful, like a dagger is in my eye, or more like a vice, those things to catch bears or whatever, is around the back of my eyeball, squeezing it in pain. i am only here b/c i had to go online for something. light is especially horrific and even the slight glow of the monitor counts.

PAIN!PAIN!PAIN!PAIN!PAIN!PAIN!

man, this hurts.

eye dr. tomorrow (wed.)… and whatever happens, i’m still driving to orlando on thursday to see DCFC. i don’t care if i have to wear an eye patch. and if i am in pain, maybe some vicodin/vodka combo can help. i wish i had an eye patch now (should have so bought one at Pirates of the Caribbean at Disney). even so, this is pain that simply does not stop.

gonna go tear the house apart in search of a vicodin or codeine or something. i’m not sure it’ll help, but this is EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL.

(ps. Corneal Abrasion can totally be the name of a really bad big-hair metal band that royally sucks.)

goddamn this hurts.

my stupid bank 2009, May 1

left me in tears again today. they do “funny math” even though they say they don’t. they are so awesome i hope they go bankrupt, with all their CEOs (and anyone on the phone who has made me cry) in jail for a very long time.

i banked 10 years with wamu with no problem until they actually did start to go bankrupt and then committed actual errors in my account b/c i guess they were busy freaking out so, hey, let’s take out $300 out of her account twice, admit it’s our fault, then call back and say it’s not our fault.

if i didn’t have to write a rent check and if it wasn’t for the convenience of using a debit card so i don’t have to carry cash all the time, i swear i would keep my money in a piggy bank at home and never deal with a bank again. guess that’s impossible since i would at least need someone to cash m paycheck and all banks have turned into real assholic motherfuckers (even though they’re the ones that get the bailouts; i get to cry while someone on the phone basically tells me, indirectly, that i am stupid).

well, damage done. i feel extremely stupid. day shot. i’m going to bed. (and stupid fast, i can’t even comfort myself with a goddamn donut. actually, scratch that. i’m not even hungry. just nauseated, teary, and upset.)

so i went to disney 2009, May 1

drive ok. took the disney exit. drove some more. then more. then turn here. then ok over there. more. get to disney toll. woman sees dog tells me i don’t have to pay for parking. she says, about the kennel, do you know where you are going? i say, absolutely no idea. go stright, then right lane, then reach light, then make left, the on the right. good thing b/c signs are small and there are many road forks and if you take the wrong one you are screwed and you end up in a maze.

found kennel. ok. hated leaving belle there. had to leave.

many turns to get back to wherever the parking i passed was (seriously, just let kennel users park at the kennel and then bus us over to the trolley which takes us to the monorail which takes us to the entrace. but no, no kennel parking. which means many many many turns and finally i get to park. Goofy, Row 48. trolley, monorail, get to disney… get a pin that says “Happy Birthday” and then they write your name on it. Basically you wear it all day and just about every Disney staff menber is forced is kind enough to wish you a happy birthday. aside from free admission the one perk i got was that one of the beverage vendors was nice and gave me a free diet coke. i’m sure if the Disney people has seen her she would have been reprimanded and had the $2.50 deducted from her salary.

i take a pic of the sign that says Space Mountain is closed. i get really close to take another picture, this time with my middle finger on it. i realize that this is probably illegal and if caught i might end up in the secret Disney underground jail. i actually was nervous. took pic, rushed away.

went on some rides. where they always so short? anywhere from 5 minutes to 40 minutes in line for a 5-minute ride. there were some new rides. i went on Splash Mountain and realized how old I was b/c I remember going to Disney before that ride was there so it was a big deal next time I went to ride this new ride that is now, well, old. warning you may get wet. it’s like 90 degrees so i’m waiting and waiting. the few drops did not cool me off much.

then (i’m still in Frontier Land) i go to Thunder Mtn Railroad. Which I DID NOT ride. Because the wait time was 60 minutes. no disney ride is worth an hour wait.

in the first couple of hours, on Main St and tomorrowland, i’m having a good time. although tomorrowland’s rides are pretty ;ame (esp with Space Mtn closed). the best actually is simply getting to disney and being happy to be there especially when you get the first glimpse of Cinderalla’s castle.

was the haunted mansion always this short? was Peter Pan always without words? was the Pooh ride always here – because I loved that one. actually, the best of the “lands” for me was Fantasy Land. even road the Mad Hatter tea cups and snow white adventures. and of course, gotta go on It’s A Small World (i have a pic of me and my uncle there from 1975).

time went by quickly. lots of walking. lots of sweating. i ate a burger. awful fries. i ate a personal pizza. good, likely because i was starving. not dissing on disney food per se, but it’s not very good. except for the ice cream parlor on Main St. my first and last meals at Disney that day were servings of Mint Chocolate Chip (which I am now convinced is my new fave ice cream flavor). at one point i had a frozen coke just to cool off.

after like 7 hrs there i’m like ok, i’m going. but they have closed off sections to get ready for the fireworks and people have lined up so i figure ok, stay for the fireworks. especially because i absolutely adore fireworks. the ones at disney, over the castle, should be good. and they were. totally my favorite part of the day. then down main st before the last parade started – i want to go and i want to get my dog.

crowded monorail. full tram thing back to Goofy. find car easily. sit in car and enjoy a/c. wonder how to get back to the kennel. it’s dark now, i shouldn’t drive in the dark, i swear, and my windshield is dirty and i am out of washer fluid. ok, here i go, i’ll just look for the signs for the kennel. ok, still looking. let’s try this way, exit, nope, now i’m totally stuck on some road turning into major road that will lead to highway. was there a tiny opportunity back there to turn around? fuck this. make very big illegal uturn across the median. go back thru the entrance, follow magic kingdom signs, oh shit, ended back up in the Car Park (which for whatever reason i kept calling Car Park and not Parking Lot). many turns. pull over and call kennel like where the fuck are you? they’re like, from the hess station? i’m like, no, i’m in the car park and have already gone in circles. head back to the exit and when you get on that long road, look for the teeny “turnaround” part where you can head back to MK, watch for it b/c the sign is just about invisible and is not lit so you must squint in the dark. ok, back thru the toll yet again. some fork comes up and i don’t know where to go exactly, i swear the signs cannot be read unless you stop right in front of them (ever hear of large white letters or glow in the dark, disney). red signs with tiny and crowded lettering – not so good at 10-whatever at night. oh shit, should have gone right in the fork. here we go again. i don’t even remember how many more turns and shit. i may have gone thru the toll plaza AGAIN, third time. this time take right fork in road. lalala. says i’m on the right road to the kennel. there’ a light. i see no sign so i keep going. remember too late, oh shit, i remember now that 10 hours or so ago, the lady at the entrance had said when you get to the light make a left. oops, had forgotten that after walking miles in heat, standing in lines, being dehydrated and i’m exhausted. must turn around again. pull over, let bus pass, uturn # i-lost-count. now i know where i am going. finally make it back to the kennel (which incidentally has a sign like in front of it that is barely visible at noon–just appears!–let alone 10pm).

i get my dog. we hit the road. we get back in under 2 hours. neither one of us wants to return anytime soon.

so, my thoughts at Disney:
I am too old for this
This is not as “happy” as i remember it to be
Man, teenagers suck and should be required to shut the fuck up
They need more diet coke stations
Am tired of getting lost – I just want my dog and take us home!

and, since it was my birthday, and there i was, of course, thinking of what was wrong and not what was right (this was after a decent morning, i swear)… i thought of the song lyrics that have always appealed to me and the bold part, with a couple of grammar tweaks, should be my epitaph:

Maybe I’m just too demanding
Maybe I’m just like my father too bold
Maybe you’re just like my mother
She’s never satisfied
why do we scream at each other
this is what it sounds like when doves cry

and of course, i’m like, it’s my birthday. and i’m trying hard to be ok but i can’t help with the usual thoughts of what’s wrong, what’s missing, what could be better…

i always think “Oh, if I could have [this] or if [this] would change, things would be good.”

Hence:
Here lies Gisele
She was never satisfied

(for the record, i can actually be satisfied, for the most part, probably never fully, unless, of course [this] or [this] happens. so, here is Gisele. She seemed to be picky. She was stubborn. But most of all, she spent most of her life, really really scared.)

Song Mashup! 2009, April 28

Well, Britney was in the Michey Mouse Club, after all…

So here is the mashup of: “that song they always sang at the end of the Michey Mouse Club” + Britney Spears’ “If You Seek Amy”

M – I – C – (see you real soon! NOT)
K – E – Y – (why? exactly. why the fuck)
If…You…Seek…Hey…You